31 Days To Self Love: Day 27

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

Meditation. That's easy. I've been meditating every day --- and yoga most days. I am excited to share it with you. Keep a look out for a future post. But seriously meditation centers me, It brings me within, it gives me courage and strength. I get done with a great meditation session and I feel different. I don't feel a surge in energy like I could take on the world, I don't feel completely drained either. I just feel like, I got this. I don't know what "this" is on a day to day basis. But I know I got it. And what I don't got, I know I can give up to God and let go and let life unfold as it should, and as it always does.

Dear Future Ashlee,

You are welcome for all those hours of intentionally putting yourself first to meditate, to shower, to say no. It wasn't easy. It was hella hard. I know the benefits will be outstanding.


Ash

31 Days To Self Love: Day 26

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

My shadow self? I've never heard that term before, but I imagine it's the part of me hidden in the shadows -- the parts of me I don't share with the world --- and am slow to show to even those closest to me.

The shadow Ashlee.

She has a lot of ideas floating through her head. She thinks about things constantly, and even to her closest circle shares only a few. She loves nothing more than to sit face to face with someone and talk. Not about the weather, but about what is weathering her. She loves to get deep, unpopular, intimate, awkward, and complex.

The parts of her I'm ashamed of?

That's easy. The hiding of all those parts. That I don't give people the chance to know her.

that's what I'm most ashamed of.  I'm ashamed of being ashamed of who I am.

That's what I want most. To be me. Unapologetically. And see what happens. See how my life can transform. See how those who love me -- how they adjust. To be surprised by those who love the shadowy bits and hurt by those who can't appreciate her.

31 Days To Self Love: Day 25

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

My daughter Aurora who is 7 going on Dalai-Llama-Wisdom says that we all have gifts. Everyone in the world is really good at something. She says I'm good at momming, daddy is good at fixing things, Liam is good at telling jokes, and Charlotte is good at getting into trouble. She says her gift is loving people. I love that she recognizes that as her most important gift. She has a way with her heart that I recognize. A part of her that looks up at you all doe-y eyed with all the love mustered up in the world -- just wanting to love.

I recognize that in her because it's in me too. I think that's what I'm really good at. I'm good at taking the parts of me that bring good in the world at share it with my babies. The future world changers <3

31 Days To Self Love: Day 24

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

Words Words Words
I'm so sick of words
I get words all day through
First from him, now from you
Is that all you blighters can do

Don't talk of stars
Burning above
If you're in love
Show me

Tell me no dreams
Filled with desire
If you're on fire
Show me

He we are together
In the middle of the night
Don't talk of spring
Just hold me tight

Anyone who's ever been
In love'll tell you that
This is no time
For a chat

Haven't your lips
Longed for my touch
Don't say how much
Show me, show me

Don't talk of love

Lasting through time
Make me no undying vow
Show me now

Sing me no song
Read me no rhyme
Don't waste my time
Show me

Don't talk of June
Don't talk of fall
Don't talk at all
Show me

Never do I ever
want to hear another word
There isn't one
I haven't heard

Here we are together in
What ought to be a dream
Say another word
And I'll scream

Haven't your arms
Hungered for mine
Please don't explain
Show me, show me

31 Days To Self Love: Day 23

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

My mom is my biggest fan. That I know for sure.

I have friends who love me. Some closely and intently, and some from a distance.

I had a partner who was that person before. He's not that person now.

I need support and... I need to interject so of it on my own.

31 Days To Self Love: Day 22

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

I think lately, the thing that makes me feel the worst, yet I continue to engage in is toxic discussions and relationships. Having the get that thought it on not leave a text unanswered.  I feel this need to put myself in what I know to be a difficult and potentially painful situation.

I don't want to let go. I'm not ready to let go. And now after what happened, I must.

It wasn't until today --- (1/24) that I felt the weight of the heartbreak. It wasn't until today. I am in a million pieces on the floor and there is nowhere safe to step without being cut.

31 Days To Self Love: Day 21

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

Peace.

I haven't found it yet. I'm searching, I promise.

31 Days To Self Love: Day 20

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

I can give myself a break today by allowing myself the feelings that I have without taking on the way others feel about my feelings 

I have a habit of over-consideeing other people's experiences in their presence. Sometimes it has to do with me sometimes not. 

Today Doug left upset. He felt hurt, disheartened, sad, and hopeless. Every fiber in me wants to just go back on what I said I felt (albeit true) just to not be the person who made another -- especially him-- feel such strong negative feelings. 

But I asked myself tonight:

Is it true?

Is it necessary?

Is it kind?

I think yes. 

It's not comfortable. It it's true, necessary, and kind. 

I have to give myself a break and allow myself to speak my truths in love and not take on the weight of how he received it. 

31 Days To Self Love: Day 19

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

By raising tiny humans.


When I was a teenager, I went on mission trips because I was determined to change the world. I wanted to be a peacemaker, healer, giver, changer.

As I got older and started having babies I realized that the important work I had was happening at home.

Yes, of course, important work can be found all over, but right now I am an influencer, lover, caretaker, teacher, and mom to three tiny humans who are growing up incredibly fast to be regular ole' you and me, humans.


I am teaching my son that the whole phrase 'boys will be boys', is not acceptable. I am teaching him that boys don't have to remain, boys, boys can grow into men. Boys can make the right choices now. They can love and be kind and compassionate and still have that adventuring spirit.

I'm teaching my girls that it's okay to fantasize about glass slippers and that whole Cinderella attitude, but they also need to focus on crushing glass ceilings. I want them to know that their gender, sexual orientation, appearance, or way of thinking doesn't stop them from being able to achieve their dreams. I've also been diligent in teaching them that whether their goals are to be a pilot, a writer, or a stay at home mama, I support them. I only wish to instill that whatever they do -- do it fully.

So my contribution to making the world a better place from the outside may not seem like all that much, but really, when you think about it, it's influencing our future and that is everything.


P.S. GO CHIEFS!

31 Days To Self Love: Day 18

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

Meditation and Yoga.

It's kind of a two-fer answer but they are so interconnected.  After this challenge is completed, I plan to launch a new challenge... which will likely include meditation and yoga practice.

I know based on the limited experience i've had so far that doing these practices brings calm, joy, peace, and a clear mind. I find that I take my anxiety medication less, and am more focused on the love I am trying to give to myself and those around me.

I have a goal, to become a Yoga teacher in the future. I would like to accommodate those bodies that are not traditional "yoga bodies", be it through size, age, or disability. But the timing for that is not right yet. I am trying to first become very consistent and strong in my own practice!

If it's to be --- it's up to me <3

31 Days To Self Love: Day 17

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

I am currently indulging myself by redoing my bedroom. I'm indulging on getting rid of things that I don't love and keeping the things I do. I'm indulging myself by searching for specific items for my room that bring me joy, not just ones that happened to be on a clearance rack at Target.

It's not about the amount of money the indulgence is, it's about the feelings of openness, peace, joy, and contentment they bring.

Next up?

I'm waiting on a wall hanging :) I'll update when it arrives!

Would you like a "my favorite things" post about recent purchases?


let me know!

31 Days To Self Love: Day 16

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

I had to sit and think about this one.

Honestly, I think this movement and transitions in my life right now... is probably the most loving thing i've ever done for myself.  I am for the first time ever considering myself.

I feel weird saying that.

I guess bascially the most loving thing is that I'm forcing myself to expect more. More from myself. More from others. More from life. More laughter. More adventures. More love. More freedom. More peace.

I'm trying to balance focusing on myself and also now escaping to another world and abandoning reality.

I think i'm doing okay at it.

31 Days To Self Love: Day 15

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

Fear is a tricky thing. It is so damn controlling.

What I am most afraid to ask for is love. I have a lot of people who love me.

I am most afraid to ask that of myself. To truly open my eyes to who and what I am. To self examine and love. I am afraid to accept responsibility for the actions in my life. I'm afraid to love myself through the pain I've caused.

I'm afraid to ask myself to look in the mirror and see a beautiful person. Not physically beautiful, although I'd like to ask myself to consider that too, but a beautiful person inside.

SO often I fall into the mindset of, "If they really knew me they wouldn't think ___"

For example, I've been told my whole life I'm sweet. Instead of taking the compliment like i feel most people would, I think to myself.... they wouldn't think that if they knew the REAL me.

And you know what?

I am sweet. It's just one of the things I am.  And people do know me. And if i feel like they don't? Well... that is on me. People can only know the parts of you that they allow you to. 


What do I need to speak up about?

E V E R Y T H I N G.

Tonight Doug was over and it was a switch in roles in a lot of ways. I sat on the couch talking to him about something that was difficult. BIG feelings I was having about our separation. Fears of mine. Fears that if we take path A ____ will or could happen, and if we take path B _______ will.  I sat and waited for his response for what seemed like a million years and he just didn't have the words fast enough for me. 

It was a switch in roles because that typically is me. He will go on and on about how he's feeling about something or whatever the topic may be, and then when he's done I'm all *crickets*. I have made him wait minutes and hours for a response.

Tonight he wasn't ready. And I got a taste of my own medicine so to speak.

Life is weird. 

I need time to sort out my life and I'm afraid to ask my people to give me the time I need to figure out my shit.


Ashlee

31 Days To Self Love: Day 14

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

What am I proud of?

I'm proud that I can say #metoo and not hide like the small child that I was when I was first inducted into the club no one should ever be a part of.  I'm proud that I'm beginning to talk about it. To my therapist, my husband, my friends, and most importantly, myself.  I'm proud that I FINALLY am not following my abuser's orders to "never tell anyone" or "your dad will hate you".  I'm proud that I am finally seeing how the patterns in my life are SO intensely related to the sexual abuse I had as a child.

I'm proud that I can visualize myself as a small child and tell that girl that it isn't her fault. There isn't one ounce of responsibility.

I'm proud that I'm engaged in therapy. I'm engaged because I need to reclaim control taken from me. I'm engaged because I only have so many trips around the sun and I don't want to allow my abuser to have the influence he does as to how I spend those years.

My younger self didn't realize the pain she was walking through. Eventually, she didn't even remember much about it and started to make herself believe it didn't happen. My younger self told someone in her teens and wasn't believed. She was crushed. But she doesn't have to be anymore.

I am not the same girl not because something was taken from me, but because I've chosen to take back control. I've chosen to share my story and not hide in shame from it.

You are strong enough.

According to the Crimes Against Children Research Center :

• 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys is a victim of child sexual abuse;
• Self-report studies show that 20% of adult females and 5-10% of adult males recall a childhood sexual assault or sexual abuse incident;

#metoo

According to a 2003 National Institute of Justice report, 3 out of 4 adolescents who have been sexually assaulted were victimized by someone they knew well

#metoo

Children who had an experience of rape or attempted rape in their adolescent years were 13.7 times more likely to experience rape or attempted rape in their first year of college (page 9).

#metoo



Ashlee

31 Days To Self Love: Day 13

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

Damn you 31 day self love challenge. Usually I am fine to pick and choose a couple nice things about myself that I like. But today is different. Today isn't an idle Tuesday that I love to write about.  It's not a day where I love myself or love my life or even find myself dreaming about what is just around the river bend.

Today was bad.

I don't know how to breathe, but you want me to take a look at this broken girl and pick out something that I like about her?

I'm sorry -- but I am not going to be fake. I'm not going to force myself to compliment myself for the sake of this exercise. Because what I know for sure is that my life has been filled with fake words. Words I've spoken, words I've thought, words that have been said to me.

so no, day 13 I will not. Because that girl?

She's lost. She's sad. She doesn't like very much about her. She doesn't know if what she is doing is for the best or worst. She doesn't know if shes even worthy of 31 ways in which to force love upon herself.

Sorry 13. Bakers dozen. Unlucky 13.

We aren't friends right now and that is just how it's going to be.

31 Days To Self Love: Day 12

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

I will give you three. It's the easiest question to answer in the world My kids. They make me happy for every pathway it took to become their mama.

 Aurora June

She is my mini. She is the sweetest, gentlest soul. She is a deep thinker and feeler and does everything she can to make those around her feel loved and secure.

 Liam John
Liam is hysterical. He loves to tell jokes and make everyone laugh at his humor. She is sweet and oh so smart. I love being his mama <3

Charlotte Kathryn

Oh she is so spunky you guys. She reminds me of a naughty pixy. She is so smart. The older she gets, shockingly, the more I fall in love with her!

31 Days To Self Love: Day 11

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

The girl with the sparkly eyes and fiery red hair stands awkwardly  in the poetry section of Barnes & Noble. She can often be found there or in the overpriced journal section of the store.

(Well, that's where she used to be found before Amazon gave her license to stay home in her PJ pants and no bra while figuring out just how many bullet journals a girl needs. )

She's a quiet, wild thing.

She is the one you don't see. You go to a party, and at one table is the rowdy crowd playing Cards Against Humanity -- the title for filthiest friend is once again up for grabs -- but you won't find her there. On the couch is a group of girls giggling and laughing, filling each other in on their latest date, manicure preference, or favorite Hearth and Home item at Target. (She isn't there either) You won't see her outside with the smokers, on the porch with the political rhetoric, or even in the kitchen with the foodies.

You won't see her -- but you will know she is there.

She is the one who weaves in and out of the crowd making everything just right. She keeps the chip bowls flowing, the beer cold, and the salsa hot. She meticulously stocks the guest basket in the bathroom full of every kinda of thing guests might need. Ashlee is the one who makes you feel comfortable, accepted, and, well... home.

But, she's a quiet wild thing.

You wouldn't know it by first conversation -- but she has a wild about her. She spends her drives listening to music and fantasizing about the plane tickets she could buy. Of course she is always grounded by boring adulting like car payments and electricity bills, but there have been MANY trips mentally planned to satisfy her wanderlust. There was that time she imagined spend her entire tax return becoming a Galway girl.

She doesn't think like everyone else. This makes it difficult for her to make meaningful connections. She doesn't want to talk about the weather --- she wants to talk about what is weathering her soul instead.

Look there she goes that girl is so peculiar
I wonder if she's feeling well
With a dreamy, far-off look
And her nose stuck in a book
What a puzzle to the rest of us

Her kind of wild isn't easily heard or seen -- but its mighty. She dares to love all in a world that tells her diversity is scary. Shes old enough to appreciate the adventures, and young enough to never say no to them.

She believes in love with every fiber of her being.
She believes that a good cup of hot cocoa can cover a multitude of sins.  (with whip cream, obvi.)
She knows that she knows that she knows that her dog is the greatest creature to walk this earth and that you should never underestimate the power of a smile in this world.

Her wild keeps her fulfilled in this life, and her quiet keeps her tucked away safely in her own little corner of this life.

31 Days To Self Love: Day 10

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

"No one can make you feel inferior without you consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt.

Well gee thanks Eleanor. In this moment that just makes me feel like a big ole' dum dum. But ... it's true. I've spent decades (I almost chose another less dramatic word --- until i realized it's true) teaching people that it's okay to treat me, speak to me, expect from me, and think of me in a way that is not full of self love, respect, or heck even kindness. 

And guess who is at fault?

If you guessed me -- well then friend you and I are on the same page. 

I didn't grow up with a good example of what a healthy, respectful, romantic relationship was. My parents were never together, and the couples I was surrounded by, for the most part, were highly dysfunctional. 

I am a people pleaser to a fault. Wait... is there ever a scenario where people pleasing isn't to a fault? Is it ever a good thing? Hmmm... that is another topic I think I've dive into at some other time. 

Do you know what I've come to realize about why I allow others to cross the boundaries of poor treatment in my life?

It's really a no-brainer so I feel silly that it's taken me so long to figure it out and label it but here it goes: I (on a daily basis) cross my own boundaries too.  I talk down, left, right, up, and inside at myself .  I speak outloud, and inwardly, about how I'm not X,Y,Z. How my ____ isn't enough. How I look _____. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough. Not a good enough writer. Not a good enough mom. The liste could go on and on and  on. 

soooooo.... If i do that to myself.... how on earth could or should I expect more from other people?

This isn't a "Them" problem. This is a ME problem. One I am determined to get to the bottom of. 

I'm not sure where to start, but I think these daily prompts about self love is probably a pretty good place to begin. 

31 Days To Self Love: Day 9

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

Stuff.
All the stuff.


When my dad died (oh snap --- is she gonna go all dark and twisty again? no no. we cool bro.)
I kept a lot of his stuff. It was like an attempt to keep him.

My dad loved things. He had a lot of them. And the daddy/daughter struggle within me always made me want to be more like him. (Side note --- that would be a very inwardly reflective post I may write sometime)

I am 37 and I have always collected, kept, and relished in having stuff. Home decor I was always so attracted to had a multitude of photo walls, and rows and rows of bookshelves filled. Things felt warm and cozy.

Stuff -- i've come to learn.... have filled voids in my life  When I'm upset or happy -- I want to go shopping. A trip to Target is NEVER done with a stuck - to shopping list. I must peruse up and down the endcaps looking for the hidden clearance treasures. I didn't know I needed these rose gold $9 pair of scissors, but clearly the universe brought them to me because I should redo my office in rose gold... as I skip over to the textile aisle. Because you know --- I really need new curtains to bring out the rose gold elements in my soon to be purchased office accessories in my red cart of happiness.

Stuff.

It fills the holes in my soul like a supernatural spackle.  I fill in the gaps and smooth things over and before you know it --- everything looks pretty again. Just don't get too close.

Last year sometime --- I imagined a life for myself without stuff. Without that spackling putty holding me together... what
would happen?Would I fall apart? Likely, yes.

The fear of falling apart was palpable, but something strong then fear pushed me forward. Hope.

I cleaned out my closet and found the emptiness to be comforting instead of terrifying. I felt like I should walk by my empty closet all day because what I experienced when I saw the empty spaces -- was something I longed for with every fiber of my being... Peace.  How could purging out my closet bring me such elation? How could I purge my closet and not have one foot out the door to refill my clothes with cute new Target threads?

Something I didn't see coming happened... The more room I freed up from things --- the more room I had for peace.

woah.

So I continue on my quest to have less things. I'm still working on my bedroom. Can I just say --- wide open spaces are my new favorite thing. I have plans for my spaces. Plans that will bring me MORE peace.

31 Days To Self Love: Day 8

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

Being a mom is hard. Like really really hard. There aren't enough synonyms to accurately describe how hard it is.

It's physically hard because one minute you a making a cup of coffee or whatever and the next you have three little people pushing and pulling every part of you. If you have never experiences the wrath of a four year olds elbow in the crotch? Bro you are living your best life.

Emotionally --- the raising of three kids.... MUST be akin to a soldier in battle. You have to feed them every. night. You have to nurture them every. day. You have to listen to your kids tell you the same thing over and over and over with about a million "Mommmmmm"s interjected between breaths. If you are a momma to girls? As they get older... it's weird... they like lose their need to breath between words. My middle talks so much sometimes I just stare at her and wonder how I earth the words just keep coming.

As a mom it's your job to raise tiny humans to become actual humans others want to be around. While I prefer to eat both of my meals (okay - prefer is not really the right word here .... relegated is more accurate.) standing up over the countertop of my kitchen --- I have to teach my little mafia to sit in their seat, not chew out loud, eat their vegetables, and be polite. It's exhausting.

Teaching them to do things they need to know how to do?

BRUTAL.

I can make the worlds greatest PBJ in two seconds FLAT. Like for real. But part of being a mama is needing to teach them to be independent and make their own damn sandwich.

THIS IS THE EXHAUSTING PART.

Mom I can't find the bread. Mom I can't find the bread. Mom where is the bread.
It's the same place it's been kept your entire 7 years on this earth moon child.

Mom where is the jelly? Mom where is the knife? Mom it wont spread. Mom Charley is looking at me. Mom charley has a knife. Mom I actually wanted cheese and mayonnaise.

Are you catching my drift? EXHAUSTION.

Teaching your mini to make a sandwich takes approximately eight hundred thousand percent more time then whipping one up yourself.

Have kids they said. It will be fun they said.

😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑


But one day -- it clicks. And you feel like you are on top of the world. Your kid made their own sandwich. Praise Jesus.

Now to get started on teaching them to clean up. Doh.

For me... parenting is the place I most need to slow down. Take my time. This morning I played Barbies with Charlotte. I left the distractions behind (ie kept the phone on the charger) and just immersed myself in play with her. As I took time to do what she wanted, to fit an entire Barbie family in that iconic pink convertible as they dash off for icecream... I was amazed. I created her. I  have invested so many parts of me... all of me... into this tiny person... and what does she pretend? About family. (Insert gushy line here. :) )

Slowing down and marveling at these tiny dictators that own my heart? Can't think of anything better.

Except maybe a tiny dictator that is self-cleaning. But we are working on that.

31 Days To Self Love: Day 7

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

Sneaky sneaky prompt. I see what you are doing. Trying to make me recognize and acknowledge something beautiful about myself. 

I'm just gonna lay it out there like a boss. 

Body: I love my hair and eyes. I love being a readhead. I haven't always, but the older I get the more I love it.

Personality: I love  the nontraditional parts of my personality and beliefs that very few people.get to see. Mostly because I'm a walking talking locked box. I feel like I see the world differently then a lot of people.  I don't think things need to be done a certain way, just because it always has been.  I really like that about me.

And I got startled

And I Got Startled

and i got startled

not knowing if he was offensive

in the way polka music is

(a little too loud, for a little too long)

or worse

if his offense was the kind

you feel sharply

the sear of skin

the tenderness left behind

i sit in the waiting room

full of sick

catching glimpses of him as i decide

he plays vulgar music loud

much louder than socially acceptable

i am startled

as i walk to the cold empty room

i feel his eyes watching me

offense?

maybe. 

31 Days To Self Love: Day 6 "What do you need to forgive yourself for?" AKA My Dad Is Dead Volume 1

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

My dad is dead. That sounds dramatic -- and I guess it is --- but mostly i just had to get it out in the open so we can just get on with it. So we are on the same page, eh? yas.

My dad died, and I wasn't there. I'm still not. I don't know how to be.

I'm still not there . What I mean by that is that 10 years later --- I still can't be in that moment. The moment I got the call. When I start to think about the moment I shrink inside myself like a child and run.

I had been working at subway at the time. I had missed a couple calls from Michigan the night before and I was so tired when I got home that I didn't even listen to the voicemail. I assumed they were debt collectors. Since leaving Michigan, and my divorce with my ex being finalized, and I just didn't want to deal with it.

I got a call from a Michigan number so I decided to answer. It was the wrong number, they were called to ask me about organs. They mentioned my dads name, but i figured this was because of  his drivers license or something.  While on with them my mom called and I switched over.
It was around 5 pm . I answered it to see what was up. She had just returned to Michigan from visiting me in Florida, and I wanted to make sure all was well.

"Honey, I...need to talk to you..."

There was something in her tone that seemed off. It was like every cell in my body shriveled up in anticipation.

"What's up mom? Did you get unpacked?"

"Ashlee I love you. I need you to listen carefully."

"uh okay, whats up?"

"I just spoke with Aunt Mary. Daddy got in an accident at home, he had to go to the emergency room. He had an aneurysm."

"oh my gosh, thanks for telling me. how is he doing, which hospital? "

"Ashlee...."

"mom he's okay right? he will be fine?"

"Ashlee they tried to save ..."

"MOM tell me he's okay mom. mom he's okay right? let me talk to him"

"They tried honey, they couldn'-"

"stop saying that mom. stop lying. stop saying that to me. what do you mean. stop it mom. stop. i want my dad where is my dad"

"daddy died Ashlee"

Those three words. They were a start of a revolution in my life. Those three words punctured me and all that I am and it's in those three words that the darkness began to creep in. I didn't know it at the time. I didn't know that 10 years later i would still be overcome with darkness.

I couldn't speak. I remember her yelling in the phone, "I need to know you are okay. ashlee. i need you to talk. i need to know you arent okay. i need you to call doug. you can't be alone. ashlee? ashlee?"

I summoned the courage to speak. "Im ok. I have to go. i am going to call doug"

"call me right back"

Doug had been working at Verizon. I called his cell. over and over with no response. I called his store and no one was answering. Apparently it was a busy day.

I didn't know what to do. My blood was flowing through my body in a way I had never felt before.

I called Doug's mom. I don't know why but I knew i couldn't be alone. I needed her to find him.

"Hello? "

"Hi Betty, it's Ashlee. I need you to get ahold of Doug as soon as possible. He isn't answering his phone"

"What's wrong?"

There was a pause I didn't see coming but makes perfect sense now. How do I say this outloud? I had only just found out and already I had to say it out loud.

"My.. my... my dad died. I just found out."

"Oh Ashlee." she wept.

In a matter of fact kind of way .... almost as an announcement to myself and her, i heard myself say
"This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me"
"I will find doug immediately"

We got off the phone in some way. I don't remember.

I called Andrea and Joshua.

I don't remember the conversations, really.

I don't remember when Doug made it home, i just remember crying so hard in Doug's chest that night. Harder then I knew possible. I could feel my heart breaking with each breath and it was physically painful. I'd fall asleep for a few minutes while taking a breath from the tears, wake up and say "Did I dream it?"

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My dad died the night before. The missed calls were the hospital and the organ donation call was legit. I was the next of kin and they had to know if I wanted to donate my dads organs.

My dad died the day before and I didn't know. I didn't feel different. I didn't feel my heart breaking when his stopped beating. I had absolutely no indication. He was gone for hours before I ever knew.


I know this will sound unusual. It's not me not being in Michigan to save him that I am so guilty of.  What i need to forgive myself for is not knowing he was gone... and for still even to this day not being able to be in that moment.

I need to forgive myself for my inability to talk about him without breaking apart.
I need to forgive myself for having no photos of him up, for not talking about him much at all.



I don't know how I will be able to heal from this event in my life. I don't know what that looks like for me and my journey through life. But I'm hopeful it can happen.

Peoply Things

Peoply Things

I'm not so good at peoply things

like sending back an overcooked steak

or completing a to-do list

or making conversation in a freezer aisle

I'm not so good at peoply things

like meeting for lunch

or picking wet towels off of the floor 

or poltical rhetoric in an attempt to feel smart

Let's never sit and discuss 

401ks and HMOs

or how it's a buyers market

or indulge in fictional life details we make up to fit in

Instead - 

can we just -

talk about the callous on your hands

and what you were doing

or why my feet in the earth calms my soul

I want to hear how you survived 

all those years of pushing and pulling

and whether birds sing because

they are happy or simple biology

How do you call out joy in your space?

Why own a guitar you don't play?

What secrets lay behind the lines in your face?

I'm not so good at peoply things

like writing pretty poems

with ends tied together

or telling my story

or discussing the weather

Tell me whats weathering

your soul deep inside

Describe me the colors

when you rest your weary eyes

Yes, peoply things have  time and a place

Guess i'm not so good at this peoply space. 

FATHERHOOD by John V. Haggerty

Tomorrow's post is about my dad.
It's a doozy.

I wanted to share this written piece my dad wrote about me and my birth.  I cherish having it.
I miss you daddy.

FATHERHOOD

by

John V. Haggerty

Chills crept down my spine. My mouth dropped to the floor. If I wore dentures, they would have fallen out! At that moment, I could have heard a pin drop. The smell of medicine filled the white, sterile room. Finally, it was confirmed: Kate was pregnant. I, as crazy as it sounded, would be joining the ranks of fatherhood. My head in the clouds and feeling a bit dazed, I left the hospital excited, and yet, bewildered.

Kate and I met through a mutual friend. Immediately we became good friends. One thing led to another, and I found myself spending my nights at her apartment. We had no commitment; we were friends, not lovers.

After Kate became pregnant, we decided not to marry. Neither of us felt marriage would make us better parents, but it possibly would make us enemies. We knew living together would be disastrous. Our families were not thrilled with our decision, but they respected our wishes.

Suddenly there were monthly doctor appointments, Lamaze classes, breathing exercises, all preparation for childbirth. Boy or girl, it didn't matter to me. Although deep in my soul, I knew we would have a girl. My only concern was that this child have my last name. Kate seemed delighted that I felt strongly about this.

Life seemed to be treating me well. I never gave children much thought, but now I was going to be a father. A father to one of those screaming rug rats that always irritated me in the grocery store. I could hardly believe it. 

Every morning I woke thinking, "I'm going to be a daddy." Then I would become nauseated! Soon it became difficult to sleep on my back. Eventually, I realized I was experiencing sympathy paints. At times, I felt more pregnant than Kate! I was becoming terribly frustrated!

The months passed slowly, but the ninth month finally arrived. I began calling Kate two, maybe three times a day. On the morning of June 25, I began to dial Kate's number. I remember the sun shining bright that morning with the sound of birds chirping outside my window. Our conversation had become pretty routine: "How are you? How do you feel? Has the baby been moving? You'll call me if anything happens? You promise?" Only this morning she interrupted me: "Wait a minute, John!" She was gone approximately five minutes, but it seemed like a lifetime. "I think my water broke"she replied. I immediately hung up the phone, looked in the mirror and screamed, "OH SHIT!"

Ten minutes later I stumbled into Kate's apartment. To my amazement, Kate sat soaking the in tub taking a bubble bath! "Oh my God! What the hell are you doing?" I cried. "Relax. We have plenty of time, " she replied calmly. "Oh my God! You are going to have that kid in the tub!" I explained. Panic and fear filled my being. Then she had to do her hair and pack her suitcase, I was splitting at the seams while Kate appeared calm, cool, and relaxed. Finally she was ready to go at this point, I was ready for a Valium.

We got into my car, I turned the key, and it wouldn't start! "OH SHIT! Now what?" I exclaimed. We quickly raced to her car. For some ungodly reason, I couldn't get the stick shift in gear! By now, I was starting to really having problems coping. Kate ended up driving to the hospital, with me sitting nervously, and slightly embarrassed in the passenger seat. On the way to the hospital, I kept asking myself, "How did I ever get myself into this mess?"

I started feeling better once we arrived at the hospital. Next was getting her admitted and dealing with all of the paperwork. By this time, Kate had started labor. She was having posterior labor, which meant the baby was pressed against her colon. I could see the pain in her face as she rolled side to side uncomfortably. I felt totally helpless; there was not a damn thing I could do.

Kate remained in labor for sixteen hours, eight of those hours were hard labor. Doctors and nurses were constantly in and out of the room, checking for the baby to come through the birth canal. I.V.'s dripped continuously. I left the room once for ten minutes to smoke a cigarette, but I just could not stay away. I held her hand, trying to remember everything we had learned in lamaze class. I was feeling scared, so scared, and so helpless. Yet I knew it was my turn to appear calm, cool, and collected.

Finally, the doctor decided to do a C-section. The baby was having problems coming through the birth canal. Soon a nurse came in to prep kate for surgery. One of the nurses came and sat with me, I guess to comfort me. I can't seem to remember what she said, but she surely made me feel better. I would be allowed to observe the surgery-- the birth of our child.  Finally it was going to happen. By this time I was too tired to be tired, too numb to be numb. I prayed that morning, "Please God, let everything be OK. Please God! Please God!"

Suddenly I found myself sitting on a cold stool with Kate stretched beside me on an operating table, barely awake. She had been put under anesthesia because she had been in too much pain for the spinal bock to work.  I can't remember what she mumbled or even what I said. The room seemed so sterile, so cold. The smell of medicine file my nostrils. Chills started creeping down my spine, just like that day nine months ago.

I could see form the overhead mirror the doctor cutting into Kate's abdomen. As they pulled back the flap, I shuddered and felt a little queasy. Finally the doctor pulled out this bloody little child from Kate's stomach. Next a quick slap, like the sound of a whip, followed by a loud baby's cry. The jingle of instruments were heard as the umbilical cord was clipped; then the splashing of water as they bathed the child in sterile water.  "Mr. Haggerty, would you like to hold your new daughter?" Tears in my eyes, I couldn't speak.  I couldn't speak. I moved clumsily toward the nurse. Instruments went flying in the air and bouncing to the floor as I stumbled against a tray of scissors, clamps, and knives. The doctors and nurses laughed hysterically, I felt rather foolish.

I finally go to hold my daughter for the first time. I'd never felt such joy and happiness. I can't express in words how I felt at this moments. I was taken to the nursery where I sat on an old wooden rocker holding this tiny child. She was the most beautiful child I'd ever seen. I thought, "God had outdone himself, with my help!" Red curly hair, two arms, two legs, all parts intact. I'd never seen such a perfect child.

Ashlee Eva Alexa Haggerty was born on June 26, 1981, at 5:45 A.m. Mother did fine. Amazingly, the father survived childbirth without too much trouble, but only God knows why!

PSA ✌️

The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.

31 Days To Self Love: Day 5

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

The things I say I'm going to do. Seems simple right?

I'm a dreamer. I always have been. On any given idle Tuesday you can find me with my hair swept up, curled up on the couch with a soft blanket, staring off into the abyss of my thoughts. I dream about what could have been, what should be now, and what might be. I set goals, plans, ideas, and plans for myself -- but struggle to say YES! to them. I struggle to follow through with what I say. Part of this is a lack of self-discipline which is something I have issues with. Another part is lack of confidence in being able to do the thing. I have this dream of becoming a yoga teacher. I specifically would like to teach those with nontraditional bodies or those with disabilities. I can see myself teaching, I can see the studio I would own. But even in my own yoga practice I battle with self doubt. I find myself not being "thin" enough (comical for someone who has the heart to teach non-traditional yogi bodies), not "spiritual enough" (Seriously, sometimes when I meditate, i'm thinking more about the decor in my meditation space then what the intention i'm working on is....), or just too shy (I am terrified to have attention on me --- yet I'm going to TEACH?!)

Instead of saying yes to the things in my heart, I come up with reasons for no. Why do I do that? How can I counteract my immediate response to think of why I couldn't .... with reasons I can?

So I guess ultimately the thing I need to say yes to the most is myself. Yes to me. Yes to my dreams. Yes to my goals. Yes to the tedious task i promised myself i'd do as well as the mountains I long to climb. Yes i can. (I think.)

31 Days To Self Love: Day 4

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

Ashlee, you are beautiful.

It's been said to me before. Know what my first thought is? Either 1. They like red hair. 2. They are being nice.

It's weird. My whole life I've been told what beautiful hair I have, it's been a type of identity for me. I'm the rare unicorn of red hair and blue eyes. Whenever anyone compliments my looks I immediately assume they simply mean my red locks. And don't get me wrong --- I love them too! (It's been a long time coming to truly love them -- as an adolescence I detested being different)

But I never truly believe someone thinks I'm beautiful. I can mentally note the many reasons why I feel I am not. But I know that isn't the reason for these 31 daily prompts.

I notice beautiful people in the world, both in the physical and spiritual sense, and I definitely notice that there is a difference between those people and myself. I hope one day I can accept the compliment with full belief.

"Breathing Dreams Like Air"

Hi. So thing happened. My mom surprised me by making a donation in my name with a gift! She made a donation to the World Wildlife Foundation and  gave me the sloth stuffy (side note: do all people call them stuffies or just moms?) and I'm completely smitten!

Isn't he the CUTEST! OMG.

Did you know how much I love sloths? My mom does <3


Okay. Sloths. The thing is... omg i love them. Like irrationally love them. One of my biggest dreams in life is to go to the sloth sanctuary in Costa Rica (Sloth Sanctuary) and visit them! I want to hold them, cuddle them, learn about them, take a slothie with them, and hang a baby sloth up to dry!!!! That is a thing you guys! When they bathe baby rescue sloths... they LITERALLY hang them up to dry! Ahhhhhhhh my DREAM <3 <3 <3

In all seriousness, I would love to visit the sanctuary and learn more about these amazing creatures!

So to commemorate the great love I have for sloths and my mom, I've named him........ Gatsby :)

Have you read or seen Gatsby? It's an amazing love story.

Do you have a favorite animal? Leave it in the comments!

31 Days to Self Love: Day 3

Original Challenge: Blessing Manifesting

I thought about this one for quite a bit because I'm all about setting the goals and habits, and terrible about follow through. I think the one habit I'd really like to be consistent with this month is reading. Reading a little every day.

I have a few books I'm getting through right now. I would like to finishing reading 3 books this month.  I will check back and let you know how that's going <3

31 Days To Self Love: Day 2

original challenge here: Blessing Manifesting

Writing. That's easy.

I love writing. I love reading with others have written. I love speaking out loud what others have written. I love the feeling I get when I nail the perfect line of a poem, or a starting phrase of an essay. I imagine what a book I write would look like.  I can see my name on the cover. Usually it's a book of poems/songs/thoughts.

But i lack belief. I have the imagination, yes. But I lack the belief that I actually have talent to do such things. Sure I could self publish a book just to say I wrote a book, but that doesn't mean I have an ounce of talent.

I wonder if I ever was published, if i still would doubt my talent? Is this a self confidence issue and not a talent issue at all?

I rarely share my work with others. If I do, it's a very very closed circle of friends.

So i guess my limiting belief would be my talent.

31 Days To Self Love: Day 1

Link to original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

Well, lets not start off easy...geesh! Haha. Okay so with these 31 days questions, i think I am going to take an unedited approach. First thing that comes to mind without much consideration for who is reading this or what someone may think, which is a major issue of mine.

I think my biggest struggle with loving myself is the constant and overwhelming feeling that I don't matter. I put so many people on pedestals because their joy, anger, grief, love, happiness seems more important to me then my own. I think deep down inside i find myself disappointing, weak, and overall less than.

Maybe this is why i'm sorta obsessed in my kids having positive self talk.

Not mattering is a learned behavior. And while i've had partners in the past that participated in continuing the lie -- ultimately I think I learned that I didn't matter as a child. I have childhood trauma that has taught me so much, and it's really hard to unlearn those things.

This is actually a huge topic in therapy right now, (yep, i'm in therapy), feeling less then. Why is Ashlee not taking care of, protecting, loving, Ashlee?

31 Days to Self Love

I'm doing a thing. Thanks for the inspriation Blessing Manifesting! In addition to any other entries I am going to do a 31 days self love challenge! If you are doing anything similar let me know, i'd love to follow!