Marriage counseling

We had our appointment with Barbara today. She saw us separately for 30 minutes each. She was kind to me and it made me cry. She's always kind but it's the first time I felt I truly connected to her.

Doug said his session was good too.

It's the 11th hour and we are waiting on a job.

Little girls

Have the screechiest of screeches. Rory made a friend in neighborhood. She's the screechiest of all.  Poor Liam...surrounded by all that noise.

I wouldnt mind so much but I have had a series of terrible.headaches the last few weeks. My psoriasis is awful.on my scalp. It causes painful.headaches.

That is all.

Oof. Stayed up too late. Everything is a bit slower today.

|How To Girl|

So here's my idea..... But there are some snags along the way.


---------------------------------

How often do people Google or Youtube search... "How To ____"

I am thinking about a blog that answers that question.


How to cut a Kiwi.

How to open an IRA.

How to organize tupperware.

How to do a smokey eye.

How to change the background of a photo in photoshop.

Simple questions that need an answer... from me.

I like adding a feminine flair by calling it "How To Girl"

Obviously the site could be for anyone... but it's me... and it's a brand I can market the hell out of I think.

hiccups.... is it offensive? Like is the phrasing... "like a girl" considered offensive these days?
I think in the past it's had a negative connotation and OBVIOUSLY i don't mean it that way. It's more a branding and marketing thing.

Also... would those who are female or not biologically female but identify that way feel offended? I don't see why not... but i try to be sensitive to that kind of thing.

thoughts?

I thought it would be awesome to have posts broken up into catagories like: Home Beauty Organization Digital Life Photography Financial

It also would be something that I could have decent SEO on as I follow trends.

The posts would be photo heavy which is a skill I excell at,  and others video heavy.. Video could be me showing how to do whatever, or a video screen grab of me completing a task online.

I can double income by having these as posts and YT videos/Facebook Videos.

I also thought it would lend well to blogging because so many bloggers make money by 3 ways.

1. sponsored posts or reviews. So I could eventually do posts "How to set up ____"
2. Ad (similar but actual ad space)
3. Offering a product or service. I was thinking I could for some of the categories have either ebooks or a course or a document (like a budget page!) for sale. Digital porducts can also be cross posted other places like amazon, etsy etc.

those are my initial thoughts anyways.

What this blog is | What this blog isn't | Documenting my way.

I was always drawn to the idea of creating a blog and updating it. I was especially drawn to the idea of turning it into something that can make money. But I have a need to write about things I wouldn't necessarily want to use as a means to an income .... ya feel me?

I was looking at it ALL WRONG.


Yes, I can blog for money... but I need to take some parts of ME out of it.

How do you make money in just about every profession?

You answer a question. You answer the question of WHY your potential consumer needs what you are offering. How will it improve their life, happiness, or fulfill needs, etc.

This. Is. Not. That.

And... that's more than okay. I have really realized .... (flashbacks to Shrek and Donkey.... "Really Really!")

This is for me. I mean... the tag line says that... but now I truly get it.

I want to document everything.
Okay, that's a lie.

But I do want to document. I love looking back on old posts, videos, etc.


This is for me. Actually, Ashlee.

Now that we have that settled... I truly do want to consider a blog with the intention of building a brand. So I'm in the brainstorming phase. I have a few thoughts and once I have a more comprehensive list I'm sure I'll put it here.

Carry On.

Why do we close our eyes when we pray, when we cry, when we kiss, when we dream; because the most beautiful things in our life are not seen but felt only by the heart.

Moving.

When I was in my 20s, the idea of moving was exhilarating. I wanted to see all the things, live all the experiences, and flow in and out of this world as I saw fit.

There were so many things about moving that I got a high from. I loved the moment of "what if". What if I think about moving, where would I go, what would I do for work? Who would be the people I met. Would it be a cozy little house or a bustling city apartment? Would I have time to properly pack and organize or would it be a whole lot of shit shoved into those alarmingly strong blue IKEA bags? What would be our first meal in the new place? Probably pizza in the candlelight served atop of a Home Depot moving box.

Moving was freeing to me. Maybe that's where my love of fresh starts come from. I love Mondays, 1st of the months, and FOR SURE 1st of the years. And it's like cosmic kismet if January 1st falls on a Monday. That's the mother of all fresh starts!

New air to breath, new bedrooms to decorate. New promises to myself to make my bed every day! (New chances to fail at that each and every time lol)

This move feels different.

I'm not excited like I'd been in the past. I'm stressed and anxious and uncertain. We are down to the wire and have no plan. And guys, for a girl who thrived on the no plan plan so much of her life... I'm terrified. Stress level is code red. Not even a kinda reddish orange... we are full on red zone, ya'all.

The 411 of it all:
Doug and Ashlee are in marriage counseling and trying to save a marriage that is in bad shape.
Doug loses his job
Doug and Ashlee's Landlord sell their home the same week.
Doug and Ashlee's cat dies.
Aurora makes a BFF in the neighborhood and is devastated about moving.
Doug and Ashlee are so anxious about moving Liam away from therapist and a school he first so well into.
Job offerings are slim and they are having to extend their search area for employment out further then they wish.

that my friends? Code. Level. Red.

Maybe I do still like moving, but this particular example is very overwhelming? I'm not sure... but as I pack boxes each and every day I don't daydream about the "what if" component of it all.

Sure there is a part of me... the whole... I love fresh starts part... that can find some excitement and positive in something new...I'm overcome with "what if we can't"... "what if we don't"... The what-ifs have turned themselves into a negative and i don't like that.

when we know, where we are heading i'll be sure to document it.

Write.

3 am

It's 3 am and eerily quiet
I can hear the fridge running
My mind wanders for a moment wondering what "fridge running" joke Liam would make.

It's 3 am and my heart is racing
water didn't help
Most of me wants to sit in the shower and cry -- over: spilled milk, uncertainty, and heart stuff.

It's 3 am, no now it's 4.
4:08 as I sit and stare
Am I moving forward quickly enough, or is it just an illusion

It's 4 am and I just can't breathe
Xanax down the hatch -- I have no feelings on this.
Scratch that -- I have a feeling I won't feel as much soon.

4:11 and I remember
Shameless sunny warmth, car karaoke, buckets of ice
My dad always sang to me -- Lucky Star (How very 80's)

It's 4:52 and finally the numbness visits me
I think I can convince my brain to sleep
Cheers to racing heartbeats, pharmaceuticals, and daddy issues.

More on Job...

It's basically dream job territory! I probably won't share where i'm working because ya know, it's the internet. But the job is tailor fit for me!

I will be doing customer service. The cool thing is the  service I will provide will be to graphic designers AND their clients!

The job is 100% remote and very flexible time wise which is huge for my home life.

I also am going to be able to dedicate some time to learning the marketing ropes so to speak and doing marketing for them!

I literally couldnt be more excited!

There will be growth to move into fulltime over next few months but honestly i think easing into a part time job after no work for 10 years is a good thing.


more to come!

!

I got a job!

More details to follow, but omg I'm excited!

like Bukowski

I want to live and breathe and think like Bukowski.

“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.” ✅

“Do you hate people?”
“I don't hate them...I just feel better when they're not around.”  ✅

“Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way.” ✅

“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire” ✅

“We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.” ✅

“If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery--isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is.” (work in progress)

“My ambition is handicapped by laziness” ✅

“You have to die a few times before you can really
live.”  ✅

“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.” ✅ (In case you weren't aware, I'm the former)

“That's the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.” ✅

“I wanted the whole world or nothing.” ✅

“An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way. An artist says a hard thing in a simple way.” ( working on it.)

“If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose”  ✅

“A love like that was a serious illness, an illness from which you never entirely recover.” ✅


Shouldn't everyone?

I could go on. He's my favorite. Favorite is so trivial. He speaks to my soul.

Do you really want to be a writer?

“If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery--isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is.” 
― Charles Bukowski

Sweep That Shit Under The Rug

She said "You attract what you fear"
and I knew she was right
I've been afraid of living exposed
Been afraid most of my life

He said, "Honey you have to choose"
between this life and the next
That's when my old friend - Fear
placed his hands around my neck

It didn't hurt much anymore
It's pain I've grown accustomed to
My shaking hands, my racing heart
All symptoms that aren't new

I'll pop a pill, offer a shrug
And sweep that shit under the rug
Under the rug where things go to die
A safe place to keep my lies

One lie answers, "How are you?"
Another, "Are you okay?"
A third, my usual response
"Great", "Of Course!" I say.

I haven't been great in a while
Not in the way I crave
He hasn't seen that loving smile
In years and months and days

I've been afraid of living exposed
Been afraid most of my life
what if this woman that he seeks
He simply cannot find

What if I'm she and she is me
both one in the same
What if this person that we are
Simply can't be tamed

I'm not saying that I can or can't
I'm not saying that I won't
I'm simply outlining the facts
that I truly do not know

I don't know if this life (or the next)
Can save me from my fear
All I can offer is a promise
To try like hell while I'm here.

I'll try to outrun my friend fear
I'll try to find that laugh
I'll try to step into the light
I'll try to shed a mask

He says "There is no try -- just do"
And I suppose he's right --
So I'll do me --set myself free
And fight with all my might.