My Dad Is Dead Volume 2

I woke up suddenly last night. I was shaken up, in more than one way.  He visited me in my sleep. I don't remember much about the dream, I just remember dreaming that he was gone. I remember that feeling (which would greet me again in a few short minutes) where every cell in your body tightens.  I dreamt that he died.  I don't remember the hows or whys of it. I just remember someone told me he was gone and my entire life crashed before my eyes.

I was relieved when I woke up. It seemed like I had been dreaming for years. It seemed like more than a century I believed my dad was gone. But I was awake now. I could hug him. I didn't have to wear that same ugly black and white bathroom robe that hands from my bathroom hook that smelled like him. I didn't have time to process all the things that knowing he was alive would mean because I was interrupted with sharp, searing pain.

"No, you were dreaming. Your dad is dead Ashlee"

And then I remembered.

I remembered again. I remembered over and over. I remembered why the pain was so familiar. I'd been feeling some form of it for more than a decade.

He was gone, and he was still gone, and I remembered.

The start of this recollection can be found here: My Dad Is Dead: Volume 1

When my dad died, as I mentioned before, I found out from the organ donation people.  I booked a flight that night for the following morning. I didn't think I'd sleep that night at all. But our body has a miraculous way of doing exactly what we need it to even if we protest. I fell asleep eventually. I didn't sleep all night, I spent that night sleeping for about 20-30 minutes, waking up to look up and Doug and ask if it was still true, and then I'd wail myself to sleep again.

Once I arrived in Michigan, I had to go directly to the funeral home.  There were decisions to be made and I was the only one to make them. You don't think about that when you are the only child of a parent, and for all intents and purposes are a child yourself. I sat at the table with my mom, and my dad's siblings and I were asked questions. I felt like I was watching it happen from afar. Once we worked through the details, the flowers, the length of service, and whether it would be a cremation or burial, the attendant asked me a cruel question.

"Would you like to see him?"

Would I like to see him? I suppose that's the way you would ask that question, it would be weird to say "Would you like to see the body" or "Would you like to view the deceased" when you are talking about your own dad.  But it felt cruel. 

I don't know if its better to  (better seems like the wrong choice, but work with me here) see your loved one passed away in the hospital or not. I've only really experienced the latter. Part of me wonders if seeing them in a medical facility would be less shocking --- but on second thought I suppose the shock of the event overshadows the location or setting.

I had never really been comfortable at funerals seeing a made over body lying there in a casket. It never truly looked like the person, and there was something about it that triggered a fear in me. I wasn't afraid of something happening, I was scared of the finality of it all. Of knowing that this was the last time I'd see the person. To look death in the eyes and know death won. 

"Miss Haggerty?"

"Yes? Oh. Yes."

I remember thinking at that moment I mostly said yes because I knew that was the appropriate response. I have had a tendency of doing that in my life. I say the things that are the most palatable answer for those around me.

I was lead through a room that was smaller than expected and I saw a mass laying on the table. I was offered privacy and mostly nodded because well, I don't really know why.  I don't remember if my family was in the room or not with me. I just remember there was a lot of space between that body and mine.  I instinctively took a step forward, I didn't have time to tell myself to be brave or to mentally remind myself that it was going to be okay.  My eyes met his face.

It felt at that moment that hours passed, although I know it was for a moment. I couldn't touch him. That was my dad. The man who made such a big deal out of all my birthdays that I grew up thinking being born on 6/26 was more special than every other day of the year. This was the man who was a physical light to every room he walked in. My dad who stayed up at night watching old black and white movies with me over the best banana splits ever made.  He called me his lucky star, he couldn't have loved my bright red hair more. There laying on the table was my lifeless dad... but yet it wasn't him.

It wasn't him of course because he wasn't singing loudly off key, or bargaining with someone about trading home decor pieces. It wasn't him because there was no smile, no grey-blue eyes staring at me, no lips calling me "Ashlee" in only the exact way he did.

But there was another reason it wasn't him.  He was small.

A few years prior to my dad passing I moved to California. I wasn't there long, although in retrospect for such a short period of time, it weirdly shaped a lot of my life after.  After I returned to Michigan from California, I stayed with my dad for a short period of time.  My dad had weight loss surgery during that time and was just beginning to lose weight as I followed my journey to Florida.  The day I left for Florida, was the last day I would ever see him. When he hugged me, he was still soft and substantial. The same bear hug I had received my whole life. While I did see a photo of him at a drastically smaller weight while in Florida, and as we talked on the phone several times a week he kept me updated on his progress, I had never seen it with my own eyes.

This man laying on this table who looked a lot like my daddy wasn't him. He was so thin.

I think psychologically that has a lot to do with the issues of it all. I saw my dad's body there --- but it was not the body I recognized.  It was him but it wasn't.

I wanted to be strong. I was the one who was supposed to be strong. The decision maker.

But I couldn't. I couldn't be in that room. I couldn't speak to him one last time and tell him all the things my heart ached. I couldn't look at his face and hands, the only recognizable parts and bid my dad goodbye.

All I could do was run.
One could argue this as a running theme in my life. Run to marriage. Run from marriage into the arms of new love. Run from that love to the arms of pain. Run from pain to the love of my Dad.  I've run a lot.

So I ran. I ran out of the room and up the olive green carpeted stairs. I ran through the memorial room, out the door to fresh air. My lungs burned. Not from running, from not breathing. I don't know how long I didn't breathe, but it was enough to hurt. When I got to the parking lot, I intended to run to my mom's car, but quickly made a turn around the corner when I saw more family members approaching the building needing desperately to wrap their arms around me.

Typical Ashlee would have piled on their needs and succumb to the hugs, ignoring the instinct to run. But in this instance, I was no longer in control of what was happening. I ran. I ran so long and far. We were in MY town. The town I grew up in. I knew the streets, and buildings, and people. So I ran. And when I couldn't run anymore, I walked.

Somehow the running gave me enough energy to get back to the funeral home. An out of body experience of signing contracts and going over finances ensued.  I made it through.

My Aunt asked me if I was staying at the house.
She meant his house.
I never thought this far ahead.  But surely I would be comforted by it so I nodded.

As we pulled up to the house and got out of the car my cousin Scott, the oldest of my two cousins saw me and ran to me as he yelled out "Ashlee".  He knew this pain too. Him and his sister, my beloved cousin Lisa.  They lost their dad too. When he said Ashlee, it was in such a way that he understood the pain I experienced. This was an embrace that I too embraced.  I feel like seeing him and Lisa gave me the strength I didn't know I needed as I walked through the door.

I walked in and the house was as I expected it would be. It was perfectly him. The smell of his house was always the same. There wasn't an emptiness you might expect. It was just as if he ran to the store and he would be right back. There was milk in the fridge,  rye bread by the toaster, and coffee still left in the coffee pot.  For a moment I was fine.

Maybe not fine.

For a moment I was protected?

I walked into the bedroom, the bed was unmade. You could see the outline of where he laid and I collapsed. I collapsed into the bed and cried for hours.

My best friend Andrea came over after work, and she crawled into the bed because I couldn't move as I just cried and cried and told her I couldn't do it. She said two words that were probably more comforting to me than any of the others in the coming days. She said, "I know".  She didn't try to pacify me, she didn't tell me it would be okay, she didn't ask me questions about how I was doing or what happened or anything like that. She knew. She hadn't lost a parent, but she knew my dad. She knew that me losing him was impossible. That there was nothing that any person could ever say. She just knew.  She laid with me and I slept.

The next few days were hard. I had to make calls to people. I had to see sides of people I didn't expect. Ugly sides. Mostly I had to comfort. That is the weird thing about funerals... you go to honor the person sure, but you also want to support and comfort the loved ones... but so often they end up supporting you.

So many conversations. So many tears.

I packed up his home and had to sort through the things that I wanted to keep. How do you narrow down what is important and what isn't? I couldn't I kept a bulk of the things in a storage facility for 3 years, paying monthly, until I brought them all to Florida.

That was part 2, of him passing. I never have written it out but the dream triggered my need to.

This is an excerpt from my FB page March 2, 2018:

I’m ‘unbecoming’.  Let me explain this aha moment with you.  In my life I feel like I’ve invested a lot of time in becoming this or that.  Becoming a better mother and wife, student and teacher, friend and partner.  I’ve had years worth of  layers that I have armored myself with in an effort to ‘become’.   

Have you ever started on a project with a clear intention in mind and keep adding to it  in an effort to achieve what you are aiming for, only to eventually have a result completely different then you expected?  I think we do that to ourselves too.  

It’s so easy in today’s world of sharing our highlight reel on social media, to pack on the layers of ‘becoming’ so much so that we lose touch with who we are at our core. We forget (or are afraid/ashamed/nervous) to share ourselves in raw, beautiful, imperfect form. Because the world tells us to be perfect or at least appear that way.  

I know that I’ve fallen into that trap myself.  I have spent so much time focusing on what I need to become, what my shortcomings are — that I have failed to appreciate the most beautiful journey I’m on. I have failed to appreciate the beautiful, smart, caring, and special person I am — fully exposed and stripped from all layers.  I’ve forgotten to celebrate the struggles AND the victories.  

I’ve forgotten that my worth is not determined by person, title, or label.  It can be so easy for me to love others and know fully that Jesus died for THEM because HE finds them worthy,  and completely disconnect from the fact that He found me worthy too.  So I’m determined to ‘unbecome’. 

To shed the layers and stand firm in who I am — raw.  I am determined to dig into the deepest darkest part of me — and love that part.  Because I know that I know that I know  that Jesus died FOR that part of me, NOT DESPITE IT.  

So this is me — ‘unbecoming’ every standard, expectation, label, and layer that doesn’t serve me in being authentic and vulnerable.

I forgot. I forgot about unbecoming and the promise I made to myself. I forgot about shedding layers and returning to a raw true form. I forgot about how I was going to stop the highlight reel and share the 'in the thick of it all' stuff.

be·come

/bəˈkəm/

verb

1. 1.

   begin to be.

   "it is becoming clear that we are in a totally new situation"
2. 2.

   (of clothing) look good on or suit (someone).

   "the dress becomes her"

   synonyms:

   suit, flatter, look good on, look right on;  set off, show to advantage, enhance, go well with;  embellish, ornament, grace;  informaldo something for "the dress becomes her"

"Begin to be". Wow. I don't need to suddenly begin to be anything. I don't need to begin to be beautiful. I am so. I don't need to begin to have value. My value is immeasurable.

It's almost funny --- how often I've begun things in my life. I set my mind to begin to do _____, become ______, start this or that. Instead of investing all that time and mental (and emotional!) energy into beginning a new thing --- why have I failed to acknowledge the option of being. Being what and where I am. Sustaining WHO I am.

Sustaining who I am.

Sustaining who I am.

My brain just exploded while I wrote that. I have never once in my life (i don't think) attempted to sustain who I am.  It's always been a matter of having to be different. Usually better. Never ever enough.

What would happen if I didn't put my emphasis on being more than, and instead focused on accepting what is? Would the universe explode? I suspect it might.

"flatter...look good on...look right on....show to advantage...enhance...embellish....ornament...." Becoming is a verb of change. Upgrade. Even if it's not real. Even if it's simply an illusion. Becoming acts as a way to be more.

Is it possible, that I don't have to be more?


Just some thoughts. I'm grateful to have the universe remind me of this thought I had just over a year ago. I needed the reminder. I need it front and center in my thoughts.

Journal Prompt: 3/19/2019 

1. List your biggest insecurity that currently plagues you the most.

Easily my biggest insecurity is being "beautife oul". It sounds so shallow -- let me expound. 

I have physical insecurities of my body. My weight, the way my eyebrows are so light, my crooked smile, my lack of hips. 

I have other "being beautiful" insecurities too -- like am I a good enough person, are my thoughts valuable, do I choose selfishness over selflessness. 

Beauty isn't just skin deep like we are told. 

2. How long has this insecurity been with you? Can you remember when it started?

I don't remember being insecure as a child until I became 1 in 5 children who were molested. My attacker told me that if I told anyone, especially my dad, he would hate me --- because what I just did with him was disgusting and made me disgusting. 

From that moment on -- I believe insecurity swept in. No --- rushed in.  Interestingly initially it was always more about an inward insecurity than physical ones.  I began to lack confidence in my thoughts and feelings. I began to feel like a "disgusting person" which is pretty far from beautiful. I began to believe that love from others was contingent on my actions. If my dad knew I had done that -- in that rusty cold red shed --- then he wouldn't love me. Couldn't love me.  

If yes what happened?

The one thought of no longer being worthy of love transcended to guarding my every thought, action to the the dark. Because i didn't know what things were lovable and not lovable and I wanted to be in control. I learned what people wanted to hear, see. I changed and altered myself in every situation to fit into the mold the other liked of me the most. 

Eventually --- I forgot what I really was like. This is what I'm working on now. 

3. How does this insecurity negatively affect your daily life?

I physically doubt myself daily. I wonder why my husband or friends call me beautiful. I look in the mirror without makeup and see a hagrid old red head. I don't see beauty. With a full face of makeup I feel my best -- but still when complimented my brain often goes to a place of assuming they are jus being nice or couldnt think of anything else to say. 

I was set to have weight loss surgery one week from today and because of a change in circumstances it had to be pushed back and it was devestating to me. I hate the shape of my body. I know that's not cool to say. I should be all yay #bodypositive. I know that should be my reality --- but it isn't. 

Being an inwardly beautiful person is also a struggle i have daily. I wonder if i'm doing enough. If  im too judgemental. Why i do things to hurt others. WHy I do things to hurt myself. 

4. How is this insecurity stopping you achieve your life’s dreams?

How long do you have? 

There have been opportunities that being overweight have barred me from. Feeling good in my skin is probably the number one though. Feeling confident in my body. I love clothes and fashion --- and i really limit myself unneccessarily because I tell myself "oh you can't wear that"

Inwardly, I have given up on so many dreams because I feel like i'm not good enough.  Too shy, n ot smart enough, not driven enough, not ____. you fill in the blank.

5. How would you feel if you didn’t have to worry about this?

I think physically it would be VERY freeing to love my body. To walk around naked at home without  that insecurity. Buying clothes that make me feel beautiful not just covered up. 

If i didn't second guess every thought in my head? wow. how much further I would be in life. 

6. What would your dream life look like without this insecurity?

With out the insecurity --- my dream like would be me feeling good about myself. I would be rocking some bohemian looks, Id be sharing myself and dreams and thoughts with the world confidently. 

7. Now we’re going big. What does your dream life look like if your resources were unlimited? I'd have a farm. Harvest Moon Farm. Cut off jeans and cowboy boots. Strong muscular legs. The latest concert tshirt on. 

Working as a special needs photographer on the farm. Bringing families in and offering them day long photo sessions on scholarship. Offering equine therapy.  A full service experience for spectrum kiddos and those they love. 

I'd be content with what I have and who I am. Married. My babies. a life worth loving. 

8. Write at least three things that you love about yourself. If you’re struggling read our other post . Hey you didn't warn me i'd have to speak positive about myself!

1. I love how much I love my babies.

2. I love my hair.

3. I love my compassion for those less fortunate. 

9. Write your insecurities opposite. This will become your personal mantra. 

I am ugly. I am a beautiful person inside and out.

I am fat. My body is strong and beautiful exactly where it is at. 

I am not a good person. I am a wonderful person who puts others needs and desires as a priority.

10. What is one thing you can do this week that scares you that will move you closer to your dreams? Start small everything happens one step at a time.

I intend to write out some mantras, or positive thoughts about myself on index cards and place them around the house. <3 Have something positive to say about me? Leave it in the comments below! <3 

31 Days To Self Love: Day 31

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

I guess to answer this prompt I need to consider areas and ways in which I can love myself.

Physical:

Physical movement is a way that I can show myself love but also a way I'm quick to give up on.  I'm not even really talking about an exercise program.  I've done that before. I have been a 2-a-day gym rat,  but my motivation was never self love. It was self image, others opinions of me, or preparing for an event.

I want to wake in the morning and be on my feet.  I want to move, stretch, and care for my body in this way. This can include Yoga, walks with Ellie, and keeping busy. 

Mental: My mental health needs to be a high priority in my life. I can show myself self-love by committing to take my medicine daily and on time. To work through the process with my therapist. To practice positive mantras and repeat them out loud to myself.  My mental health can be improved by lowering my stress levels.  In order to lower stress levels I think I need to be aware of my actions and how they could result in higher stress. I need to not allow others to bring unnecessary stress in my life. I need to speak my truth and move forward.  I'm aware this may mean cutting people from my life, or putting their level of importance to a different category.


Emotional: This is tricky. I want to nourish my emotional health enough to become healthy again. Right now it's pretty closed off. Not entirely, but there are definitely boundaries and walls which are hard to breech.

Emotions and Mental health tie a lot into each other. I know I need to nurture and love myself in order to come to an emotionally sound place. I also think i need to really focus on talking through thoughts, feelings,  and problems I'm encountering.  I need to support myself, and allow others to support me.

Spiritual: One way that I show myself love is by attending church each week. Worshiping God makes me feel full of love.  Prayer is another.  I like to read christian walk books as well which I find helps keep me in that state of love.


Breakdown of Goals:
1. Movement: 10,000 steps a day. Walk Ellie 4x/week. Yoga 3x/week.

2. Mental: Do my weekly homework from Dorcas. Have a mantra I recite every day for a week. Speak my truth, even if my voice shakes.  Consistent on meds DAILY.

3. Emotional: Express feelings WHEN I feel them. Do NOT apologize for having those feelings.  Remind myself that I have the tools I need inside of me to be who I want inside and out.

4.Spiritual: Attend church weekly. Begin day with worship music. Pray daily.

31 Days To Self Love: Day 30

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

oh the labels. This isn't going to be pretty

Wife
Mother
Friend

Ugly
Fat
Unmotivated

Redhead
Creative
Influencer

Coward
Mentally Ill
Failure

31 Days To Self Love: Day 29

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

I'm late in finishing these responses, but I'm going to finish them anyways.
It's not about how well you preform or even how onetime you were right? It's about showing up.


This prompt was sorta easy for me. Only because I've been thinking about this topic on my own for quite some time. I always knew I wanted to get another tattoo soon but I could never quite figure out what i wanted.  During my crazy weird life changes going on, I found a song that speaks to me. And i knew the tattoo I had been wanting was right in front of me. It's my mantra.

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling on your threads saying
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
And everything will be fine

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're…

31 Days To Self Love: Day 28

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

Strong women. I stare at them. I analyze them. I am enamored. I am in awe. I cringe when they say things I don't have nearly enough gumption to say. I know there is one of those deep inside of me. I know because I was raised by one, and she was raised by one, so on and so forth.


I admire people who :
say what they mean.
speak the truth even when their voice shakes
choose joy and positivity
do what they know can't be done because it must
are unapologetically loud and gnarly just because ever fiber of their being tells them they must
vulnerability

31 Days To Self Love: Day 27

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

Meditation. That's easy. I've been meditating every day --- and yoga most days. I am excited to share it with you. Keep a look out for a future post. But seriously meditation centers me, It brings me within, it gives me courage and strength. I get done with a great meditation session and I feel different. I don't feel a surge in energy like I could take on the world, I don't feel completely drained either. I just feel like, I got this. I don't know what "this" is on a day to day basis. But I know I got it. And what I don't got, I know I can give up to God and let go and let life unfold as it should, and as it always does.

Dear Future Ashlee,

You are welcome for all those hours of intentionally putting yourself first to meditate, to shower, to say no. It wasn't easy. It was hella hard. I know the benefits will be outstanding.


Ash

31 Days To Self Love: Day 26

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

My shadow self? I've never heard that term before, but I imagine it's the part of me hidden in the shadows -- the parts of me I don't share with the world --- and am slow to show to even those closest to me.

The shadow Ashlee.

She has a lot of ideas floating through her head. She thinks about things constantly, and even to her closest circle shares only a few. She loves nothing more than to sit face to face with someone and talk. Not about the weather, but about what is weathering her. She loves to get deep, unpopular, intimate, awkward, and complex.

The parts of her I'm ashamed of?

That's easy. The hiding of all those parts. That I don't give people the chance to know her.

that's what I'm most ashamed of.  I'm ashamed of being ashamed of who I am.

That's what I want most. To be me. Unapologetically. And see what happens. See how my life can transform. See how those who love me -- how they adjust. To be surprised by those who love the shadowy bits and hurt by those who can't appreciate her.

31 Days To Self Love: Day 25

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

My daughter Aurora who is 7 going on Dalai-Llama-Wisdom says that we all have gifts. Everyone in the world is really good at something. She says I'm good at momming, daddy is good at fixing things, Liam is good at telling jokes, and Charlotte is good at getting into trouble. She says her gift is loving people. I love that she recognizes that as her most important gift. She has a way with her heart that I recognize. A part of her that looks up at you all doe-y eyed with all the love mustered up in the world -- just wanting to love.

I recognize that in her because it's in me too. I think that's what I'm really good at. I'm good at taking the parts of me that bring good in the world at share it with my babies. The future world changers <3

31 Days To Self Love: Day 24

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

Words Words Words
I'm so sick of words
I get words all day through
First from him, now from you
Is that all you blighters can do

Don't talk of stars
Burning above
If you're in love
Show me

Tell me no dreams
Filled with desire
If you're on fire
Show me

He we are together
In the middle of the night
Don't talk of spring
Just hold me tight

Anyone who's ever been
In love'll tell you that
This is no time
For a chat

Haven't your lips
Longed for my touch
Don't say how much
Show me, show me

Don't talk of love

Lasting through time
Make me no undying vow
Show me now

Sing me no song
Read me no rhyme
Don't waste my time
Show me

Don't talk of June
Don't talk of fall
Don't talk at all
Show me

Never do I ever
want to hear another word
There isn't one
I haven't heard

Here we are together in
What ought to be a dream
Say another word
And I'll scream

Haven't your arms
Hungered for mine
Please don't explain
Show me, show me

31 Days To Self Love: Day 23

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

My mom is my biggest fan. That I know for sure.

I have friends who love me. Some closely and intently, and some from a distance.

I had a partner who was that person before. He's not that person now.

I need support and... I need to interject so of it on my own.

31 Days To Self Love: Day 22

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

I think lately, the thing that makes me feel the worst, yet I continue to engage in is toxic discussions and relationships. Having the get that thought it on not leave a text unanswered.  I feel this need to put myself in what I know to be a difficult and potentially painful situation.

I don't want to let go. I'm not ready to let go. And now after what happened, I must.

It wasn't until today --- (1/24) that I felt the weight of the heartbreak. It wasn't until today. I am in a million pieces on the floor and there is nowhere safe to step without being cut.

31 Days To Self Love: Day 21

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

Peace.

I haven't found it yet. I'm searching, I promise.

31 Days To Self Love: Day 20

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

I can give myself a break today by allowing myself the feelings that I have without taking on the way others feel about my feelings 

I have a habit of over-consideeing other people's experiences in their presence. Sometimes it has to do with me sometimes not. 

Today Doug left upset. He felt hurt, disheartened, sad, and hopeless. Every fiber in me wants to just go back on what I said I felt (albeit true) just to not be the person who made another -- especially him-- feel such strong negative feelings. 

But I asked myself tonight:

Is it true?

Is it necessary?

Is it kind?

I think yes. 

It's not comfortable. It it's true, necessary, and kind. 

I have to give myself a break and allow myself to speak my truths in love and not take on the weight of how he received it. 

31 Days To Self Love: Day 19

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

By raising tiny humans.


When I was a teenager, I went on mission trips because I was determined to change the world. I wanted to be a peacemaker, healer, giver, changer.

As I got older and started having babies I realized that the important work I had was happening at home.

Yes, of course, important work can be found all over, but right now I am an influencer, lover, caretaker, teacher, and mom to three tiny humans who are growing up incredibly fast to be regular ole' you and me, humans.


I am teaching my son that the whole phrase 'boys will be boys', is not acceptable. I am teaching him that boys don't have to remain, boys, boys can grow into men. Boys can make the right choices now. They can love and be kind and compassionate and still have that adventuring spirit.

I'm teaching my girls that it's okay to fantasize about glass slippers and that whole Cinderella attitude, but they also need to focus on crushing glass ceilings. I want them to know that their gender, sexual orientation, appearance, or way of thinking doesn't stop them from being able to achieve their dreams. I've also been diligent in teaching them that whether their goals are to be a pilot, a writer, or a stay at home mama, I support them. I only wish to instill that whatever they do -- do it fully.

So my contribution to making the world a better place from the outside may not seem like all that much, but really, when you think about it, it's influencing our future and that is everything.


P.S. GO CHIEFS!

31 Days To Self Love: Day 18

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

Meditation and Yoga.

It's kind of a two-fer answer but they are so interconnected.  After this challenge is completed, I plan to launch a new challenge... which will likely include meditation and yoga practice.

I know based on the limited experience i've had so far that doing these practices brings calm, joy, peace, and a clear mind. I find that I take my anxiety medication less, and am more focused on the love I am trying to give to myself and those around me.

I have a goal, to become a Yoga teacher in the future. I would like to accommodate those bodies that are not traditional "yoga bodies", be it through size, age, or disability. But the timing for that is not right yet. I am trying to first become very consistent and strong in my own practice!

If it's to be --- it's up to me <3

31 Days To Self Love: Day 17

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

I am currently indulging myself by redoing my bedroom. I'm indulging on getting rid of things that I don't love and keeping the things I do. I'm indulging myself by searching for specific items for my room that bring me joy, not just ones that happened to be on a clearance rack at Target.

It's not about the amount of money the indulgence is, it's about the feelings of openness, peace, joy, and contentment they bring.

Next up?

I'm waiting on a wall hanging :) I'll update when it arrives!

Would you like a "my favorite things" post about recent purchases?


let me know!

31 Days To Self Love: Day 16

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

I had to sit and think about this one.

Honestly, I think this movement and transitions in my life right now... is probably the most loving thing i've ever done for myself.  I am for the first time ever considering myself.

I feel weird saying that.

I guess bascially the most loving thing is that I'm forcing myself to expect more. More from myself. More from others. More from life. More laughter. More adventures. More love. More freedom. More peace.

I'm trying to balance focusing on myself and also now escaping to another world and abandoning reality.

I think i'm doing okay at it.

31 Days To Self Love: Day 15

original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

Fear is a tricky thing. It is so damn controlling.

What I am most afraid to ask for is love. I have a lot of people who love me.

I am most afraid to ask that of myself. To truly open my eyes to who and what I am. To self examine and love. I am afraid to accept responsibility for the actions in my life. I'm afraid to love myself through the pain I've caused.

I'm afraid to ask myself to look in the mirror and see a beautiful person. Not physically beautiful, although I'd like to ask myself to consider that too, but a beautiful person inside.

SO often I fall into the mindset of, "If they really knew me they wouldn't think ___"

For example, I've been told my whole life I'm sweet. Instead of taking the compliment like i feel most people would, I think to myself.... they wouldn't think that if they knew the REAL me.

And you know what?

I am sweet. It's just one of the things I am.  And people do know me. And if i feel like they don't? Well... that is on me. People can only know the parts of you that they allow you to. 


What do I need to speak up about?

E V E R Y T H I N G.

Tonight Doug was over and it was a switch in roles in a lot of ways. I sat on the couch talking to him about something that was difficult. BIG feelings I was having about our separation. Fears of mine. Fears that if we take path A ____ will or could happen, and if we take path B _______ will.  I sat and waited for his response for what seemed like a million years and he just didn't have the words fast enough for me. 

It was a switch in roles because that typically is me. He will go on and on about how he's feeling about something or whatever the topic may be, and then when he's done I'm all *crickets*. I have made him wait minutes and hours for a response.

Tonight he wasn't ready. And I got a taste of my own medicine so to speak.

Life is weird. 

I need time to sort out my life and I'm afraid to ask my people to give me the time I need to figure out my shit.


Ashlee