Journal Prompt: 3/19/2019 

1. List your biggest insecurity that currently plagues you the most.

Easily my biggest insecurity is being "beautife oul". It sounds so shallow -- let me expound. 

I have physical insecurities of my body. My weight, the way my eyebrows are so light, my crooked smile, my lack of hips. 

I have other "being beautiful" insecurities too -- like am I a good enough person, are my thoughts valuable, do I choose selfishness over selflessness. 

Beauty isn't just skin deep like we are told. 

2. How long has this insecurity been with you? Can you remember when it started?

I don't remember being insecure as a child until I became 1 in 5 children who were molested. My attacker told me that if I told anyone, especially my dad, he would hate me --- because what I just did with him was disgusting and made me disgusting. 

From that moment on -- I believe insecurity swept in. No --- rushed in.  Interestingly initially it was always more about an inward insecurity than physical ones.  I began to lack confidence in my thoughts and feelings. I began to feel like a "disgusting person" which is pretty far from beautiful. I began to believe that love from others was contingent on my actions. If my dad knew I had done that -- in that rusty cold red shed --- then he wouldn't love me. Couldn't love me.  

If yes what happened?

The one thought of no longer being worthy of love transcended to guarding my every thought, action to the the dark. Because i didn't know what things were lovable and not lovable and I wanted to be in control. I learned what people wanted to hear, see. I changed and altered myself in every situation to fit into the mold the other liked of me the most. 

Eventually --- I forgot what I really was like. This is what I'm working on now. 

3. How does this insecurity negatively affect your daily life?

I physically doubt myself daily. I wonder why my husband or friends call me beautiful. I look in the mirror without makeup and see a hagrid old red head. I don't see beauty. With a full face of makeup I feel my best -- but still when complimented my brain often goes to a place of assuming they are jus being nice or couldnt think of anything else to say. 

I was set to have weight loss surgery one week from today and because of a change in circumstances it had to be pushed back and it was devestating to me. I hate the shape of my body. I know that's not cool to say. I should be all yay #bodypositive. I know that should be my reality --- but it isn't. 

Being an inwardly beautiful person is also a struggle i have daily. I wonder if i'm doing enough. If  im too judgemental. Why i do things to hurt others. WHy I do things to hurt myself. 

4. How is this insecurity stopping you achieve your life’s dreams?

How long do you have? 

There have been opportunities that being overweight have barred me from. Feeling good in my skin is probably the number one though. Feeling confident in my body. I love clothes and fashion --- and i really limit myself unneccessarily because I tell myself "oh you can't wear that"

Inwardly, I have given up on so many dreams because I feel like i'm not good enough.  Too shy, n ot smart enough, not driven enough, not ____. you fill in the blank.

5. How would you feel if you didn’t have to worry about this?

I think physically it would be VERY freeing to love my body. To walk around naked at home without  that insecurity. Buying clothes that make me feel beautiful not just covered up. 

If i didn't second guess every thought in my head? wow. how much further I would be in life. 

6. What would your dream life look like without this insecurity?

With out the insecurity --- my dream like would be me feeling good about myself. I would be rocking some bohemian looks, Id be sharing myself and dreams and thoughts with the world confidently. 

7. Now we’re going big. What does your dream life look like if your resources were unlimited? I'd have a farm. Harvest Moon Farm. Cut off jeans and cowboy boots. Strong muscular legs. The latest concert tshirt on. 

Working as a special needs photographer on the farm. Bringing families in and offering them day long photo sessions on scholarship. Offering equine therapy.  A full service experience for spectrum kiddos and those they love. 

I'd be content with what I have and who I am. Married. My babies. a life worth loving. 

8. Write at least three things that you love about yourself. If you’re struggling read our other post . Hey you didn't warn me i'd have to speak positive about myself!

1. I love how much I love my babies.

2. I love my hair.

3. I love my compassion for those less fortunate. 

9. Write your insecurities opposite. This will become your personal mantra. 

I am ugly. I am a beautiful person inside and out.

I am fat. My body is strong and beautiful exactly where it is at. 

I am not a good person. I am a wonderful person who puts others needs and desires as a priority.

10. What is one thing you can do this week that scares you that will move you closer to your dreams? Start small everything happens one step at a time.

I intend to write out some mantras, or positive thoughts about myself on index cards and place them around the house. <3 Have something positive to say about me? Leave it in the comments below! <3