One of the things in therapy that I am working on is speaking my truth. What does that mean? Well I suppose it could mean a lot of different things for different people, but for me it is exactly how it sounds.
Speaking my truth means sharing what I'm thinking, what my opinion is, or making choices based solely on what I want and not considering the million other elements that that truth will influence.
It sounds so simple doesn't it? Say what you want? If you are a people pleaser, with anxiety, and a lack of confidence... this can be INCREDIBLY difficult. Throw on top of that, not actually knowing what you like anymore....oof...tough stuff. It is for me. Let's break it down to the simplest form.
Doug: Hey, what would you like for dinner?
Me: *instant panic* I don't care.
Doug: Okay, but what sounds good?
Ashlee: Ummm *immediately I start thinking of places I know Doug wouldn't hate to eat at* I don't know, we could get Chinese or maybe burgers?
Let's pause. So I can tell you what is happening there.
1. My mind goes completely blank. I don't truly know what I want. And on the rare occasion I do, I feel scared to tell him because I don't think it's what he will want and I don't want an argument or to have to debate why I would like X.
2. To avoid any type of conflict, or even just negative body language, I quickly (with feelings of anxiety) think of something he will like.
3. Then when we eat at said place, I feel pressure to enjoy the food because after all it's what I picked. And if i say I didn't care for it -- it will be a disagreement about why I choose that place.
I of course know all 3 of these steps will occur from the moment he asks, "Hey what would you like for dinner" and I have thought of multiple scenarios and how things will go. Based on all the scenarios I choose to one I feel like will have the best results. And by the way, results means the other person (Doug in this case is happy) not that I had a meal I enjoyed.
This my friends is anxiety, people pleasing, and a lack of confidence via depression.
That was the most simple example I could come up with that didn't carry a lot of big meaning. I mean we are talking about a silly meal. Imagine bigger questions. Questions from people who aren't my husband that I don't have a level of confidence with?
So when my therapist tells me to work on speaking my truth --- it's not a small thing. It's not something I can do once and have conquered. Speaking my truth is a key piece of my puzzle and it's a hard one at that.
But I'm up for the challenge. I think.
Be patient with us who deal with this. Sometimes we know exactly what we want but are afraid to express it. We don't want to upset, inconvenience, or annoy you. We like to go with the flow and keep the waters smooth sailing. Other times we have absolutely no idea what we want. We has spent years and years keeping those waters smooth that we have completely forgotten what kind of food we like in the first place.
Speaking my truth is an essential part of my recovery journey. And both my truth about what food I'd like and my truth about how someone is making me feel are both important for me to express.
So what is my truth in this moment?
My truth in this moment is I'm worried that I am the only person who deals with this, that anyone reading it might think... wow she is really crazy. That instead of exposing myself as a means to help me heal AND as a way to help others... I will come across just sounding stupid.
Do I think my truth is reality in this situation? No. But if i'm honest, it what crossed my mind.
Anyone else have any issues like this? What is your truth today in this moment?
Ashlee
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