Fear is a tricky thing. It is so damn controlling.
What I am most afraid to ask for is love. I have a lot of people who love me.
I am most afraid to ask that of myself. To truly open my eyes to who and what I am. To self examine and love. I am afraid to accept responsibility for the actions in my life. I'm afraid to love myself through the pain I've caused.
I'm afraid to ask myself to look in the mirror and see a beautiful person. Not physically beautiful, although I'd like to ask myself to consider that too, but a beautiful person inside.
SO often I fall into the mindset of, "If they really knew me they wouldn't think ___"
For example, I've been told my whole life I'm sweet. Instead of taking the compliment like i feel most people would, I think to myself.... they wouldn't think that if they knew the REAL me.
And you know what?
I am sweet. It's just one of the things I am. And people do know me. And if i feel like they don't? Well... that is on me. People can only know the parts of you that they allow you to.
What do I need to speak up about?
E V E R Y T H I N G.
Tonight Doug was over and it was a switch in roles in a lot of ways. I sat on the couch talking to him about something that was difficult. BIG feelings I was having about our separation. Fears of mine. Fears that if we take path A ____ will or could happen, and if we take path B _______ will. I sat and waited for his response for what seemed like a million years and he just didn't have the words fast enough for me.
It was a switch in roles because that typically is me. He will go on and on about how he's feeling about something or whatever the topic may be, and then when he's done I'm all *crickets*. I have made him wait minutes and hours for a response.
Tonight he wasn't ready. And I got a taste of my own medicine so to speak.
Life is weird.
I need time to sort out my life and I'm afraid to ask my people to give me the time I need to figure out my shit.
Ashlee
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