My dad is dead. That sounds dramatic -- and I guess it is --- but mostly i just had to get it out in the open so we can just get on with it. So we are on the same page, eh? yas.
My dad died, and I wasn't there. I'm still not. I don't know how to be.
I'm still not there . What I mean by that is that 10 years later --- I still can't be in that moment. The moment I got the call. When I start to think about the moment I shrink inside myself like a child and run.
I had been working at subway at the time. I had missed a couple calls from Michigan the night before and I was so tired when I got home that I didn't even listen to the voicemail. I assumed they were debt collectors. Since leaving Michigan, and my divorce with my ex being finalized, and I just didn't want to deal with it.
I got a call from a Michigan number so I decided to answer. It was the wrong number, they were called to ask me about organs. They mentioned my dads name, but i figured this was because of his drivers license or something. While on with them my mom called and I switched over.
It was around 5 pm . I answered it to see what was up. She had just returned to Michigan from visiting me in Florida, and I wanted to make sure all was well.
"Honey, I...need to talk to you..."
There was something in her tone that seemed off. It was like every cell in my body shriveled up in anticipation.
"What's up mom? Did you get unpacked?"
"Ashlee I love you. I need you to listen carefully."
"uh okay, whats up?"
"I just spoke with Aunt Mary. Daddy got in an accident at home, he had to go to the emergency room. He had an aneurysm."
"oh my gosh, thanks for telling me. how is he doing, which hospital? "
"Ashlee...."
"mom he's okay right? he will be fine?"
"Ashlee they tried to save ..."
"MOM tell me he's okay mom. mom he's okay right? let me talk to him"
"They tried honey, they couldn'-"
"stop saying that mom. stop lying. stop saying that to me. what do you mean. stop it mom. stop. i want my dad where is my dad"
"daddy died Ashlee"
Those three words. They were a start of a revolution in my life. Those three words punctured me and all that I am and it's in those three words that the darkness began to creep in. I didn't know it at the time. I didn't know that 10 years later i would still be overcome with darkness.
I couldn't speak. I remember her yelling in the phone, "I need to know you are okay. ashlee. i need you to talk. i need to know you arent okay. i need you to call doug. you can't be alone. ashlee? ashlee?"
I summoned the courage to speak. "Im ok. I have to go. i am going to call doug"
"call me right back"
Doug had been working at Verizon. I called his cell. over and over with no response. I called his store and no one was answering. Apparently it was a busy day.
I didn't know what to do. My blood was flowing through my body in a way I had never felt before.
I called Doug's mom. I don't know why but I knew i couldn't be alone. I needed her to find him.
"Hello? "
"Hi Betty, it's Ashlee. I need you to get ahold of Doug as soon as possible. He isn't answering his phone"
"What's wrong?"
There was a pause I didn't see coming but makes perfect sense now. How do I say this outloud? I had only just found out and already I had to say it out loud.
"My.. my... my dad died. I just found out."
"Oh Ashlee." she wept.
In a matter of fact kind of way .... almost as an announcement to myself and her, i heard myself say
"This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me"
"I will find doug immediately"
We got off the phone in some way. I don't remember.
I called Andrea and Joshua.
I don't remember the conversations, really.
I don't remember when Doug made it home, i just remember crying so hard in Doug's chest that night. Harder then I knew possible. I could feel my heart breaking with each breath and it was physically painful. I'd fall asleep for a few minutes while taking a breath from the tears, wake up and say "Did I dream it?"
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My dad died the night before. The missed calls were the hospital and the organ donation call was legit. I was the next of kin and they had to know if I wanted to donate my dads organs.
My dad died the day before and I didn't know. I didn't feel different. I didn't feel my heart breaking when his stopped beating. I had absolutely no indication. He was gone for hours before I ever knew.
I know this will sound unusual. It's not me not being in Michigan to save him that I am so guilty of. What i need to forgive myself for is not knowing he was gone... and for still even to this day not being able to be in that moment.
I need to forgive myself for my inability to talk about him without breaking apart.
I need to forgive myself for having no photos of him up, for not talking about him much at all.
I don't know how I will be able to heal from this event in my life. I don't know what that looks like for me and my journey through life. But I'm hopeful it can happen.
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