I want to remember this.

I made this post on FB today, and I want to remember it, and what I was feeling.

I searched for a good quote to post how I feel for a bit. But the truth is, I'm tired of summarizing myself on someone else's words, opinions, or thoughts of me.

I don't believe I owe the world transparency, but there are moments when I wish to gift it. And today? Today I yearn to be transparent and free.

Things have been difficult in life for me over the last 2 years.

I have a hard time even with those close to me opening up. I'm learning through therapy how much of this can trace back to experiences as a kid -- but none the less I struggle to reveal myself fully.

I also struggle to fill my cup. I truly don't mean this in a boastful way, but if you know me... You know that I'd likely give you the shirt off my back -- even in a snow storm if it meant I could help you be warm, comfortable or taken care of. I have a heart that loves deeply. It's flawed through, because I filter out that same love and respect from myself.

I don't say no. No is never a complete sentence.
If I have to say no it's accompanied by an explanation and deeply seeded guilt. I need to say no more. Without explanation. Definitely without guilt.

I have clinical #depression and #anxiety. I'm not just a little sad. I am strongly medicated. I have an auto immune disorder that robs me of energy. I am a special needs parent which means my biggest fear is not being okay because I always have to be okay for Liam. Nothing terrifies me more than the idea of not being there to take care of him.

Over the last two years I made some choices that hurt myself and others. I made some that hurt myself too. I won't ever be the same person I was when anxiety and depression entered my life -- but I can still be a valuable worthy person of love and respect and forgiveness.

To anyone who may have been hurt in my cross fire I apologize. I hope you know in deep parts of me I would never want to cause anyone pain.

I'm practicing self care.
I'm learning that I can do hard things.
I can do hard things!
And when the noise gets too loud? I'm learning to say "shhhh".
Love you guys ♥️ I'm trying my best to know God has me covered and I don't need to live as a slave to my past ♥️