31 Days To Self Love: Day 1

Link to original challenge: Blessing Manifesting

Well, lets not start off easy...geesh! Haha. Okay so with these 31 days questions, i think I am going to take an unedited approach. First thing that comes to mind without much consideration for who is reading this or what someone may think, which is a major issue of mine.

I think my biggest struggle with loving myself is the constant and overwhelming feeling that I don't matter. I put so many people on pedestals because their joy, anger, grief, love, happiness seems more important to me then my own. I think deep down inside i find myself disappointing, weak, and overall less than.

Maybe this is why i'm sorta obsessed in my kids having positive self talk.

Not mattering is a learned behavior. And while i've had partners in the past that participated in continuing the lie -- ultimately I think I learned that I didn't matter as a child. I have childhood trauma that has taught me so much, and it's really hard to unlearn those things.

This is actually a huge topic in therapy right now, (yep, i'm in therapy), feeling less then. Why is Ashlee not taking care of, protecting, loving, Ashlee?

31 Days to Self Love

I'm doing a thing. Thanks for the inspriation Blessing Manifesting! In addition to any other entries I am going to do a 31 days self love challenge! If you are doing anything similar let me know, i'd love to follow!

Be careful there

be careful there

tucking that red curl behind her ear

the one that always bounces back

In a beautiful form of rebellion

Be careful there.

Be careful there

Tucking that red curl behind her ear

Don’t be alarmed when she recoils

At the uncertainty of your touch.

Be careful there.

Be careful there

Tucking that red curl behind her ear

It’s been pulled on before

In the throws of passion or the brute force of a man.

Be careful there.

Be careful there

Tucking that red curl behind her ear

With a gentle touch, she may look up

And pierce you with those Georgia stars.

Be careful there.

Be careful there

Tucking that red curl behind her ear

For it’s as tame as her wild heart

Bound but wishing to break free

Be careful there.

And if you must

Tuck that red curl behind her ear:

prepare for the rebellion.

comfort the recoil.

Be a quiet force

and a gentle touch.

For that curl, you lovingly tuck behind her ear

Has weathered the storms

And absorbed the light.

It has been moved by her shaking hands

And admired by unsafe eyes

Be careful there.

And if you are not ready

To tuck that unruly curl behind her ear

For all the numbered days of your life

Please, please, i beg

be careful there

the people floated around me today as if i was standing still and they were on a carousel.

whooshing, laughing, hugging.

inside i'm mostly just thinking what an outsider i feel like.

The Wind

The wind dances on my cheek
I can't help but notice how its sole purpose seems to be to guide the tears away.

"Where have you been, wind?"

I can't help but ponder.

The very wind that lovingly dries the evidence of pain, has seen so much.

Perhaps a death, perhaps a life. Friends coming together and lovers falling apart.

"What have you carried, wind?"

That same wind the man notices on an idle Tuesday grocery run, dances in and out the ringlets of my messy red hair.

The wind is free to roam, yet in this moment its chosen me.

"Take me with you, wind"

For I have more deaths to mourn, births to rejoice, and idle Tuesdays to exist in.

The truth is strange.

The truth is i've been wearing many masks for a really long time. Probably since I was a child. If you know me, you may or may not realize this.

I take on the weight of the world, as well as the responsibility to make everyone happy. It feels that at a very cellular level that it's my job to make sure things are good, nice, and tied with a bow.

Recently in therapy, our therapist said something that made Douglas a combination of mad, frustrated, and perhaps hurt. I picked up on it immediately as I squirmed in my seat. I opened my mouth and said something that I don't remember now, in an attempt to sooth the atmosphere, mood, vibe, whatever you want to call it. Being the good therapist and observer that he is, Bob commented on how it wasn't my job to make me Doug feel better. It wasn't up to me to be responsible for what was said to him that made him upset. It was incredibly hard to sit an accept that.

If someone is hurt, annoyed, bored, betrayed, angry, or any other similar emotions that are felt -- I take it on.

When communicating about this issue, and my need to feel responsible, my incredibly forward and spot on personal therapist says to me, Who are you? Jesus?


why do i take the weight of the world on my shoulders?

because I have this internal dialogue telling me that I need everyone to be ok. Things are ok. It's fine! It's fine!

it's not fine you all.

Truth

I need to speak truth. Even if my voice shakes. Even if you (whoever you are) hate me. Even if it feels yucky. (Yes, I'm a 37 year old woman who still uses the phrasing, 'yucky'.)

It's been a very long time since my last post. So many choices were made. So many choices -- were not made.

The  tag line of this blog is, "this ones for me" and I've had the opportunity to use this as a means to express myself and I have not. I give myself tools and then don't use them.

I don't know.

I'm listening to the audio book version of "Girl wash your face" and working on a list of things i want to commit to MYSELF!

it's happening. stay tuned. or don't. But I will be here.