anxiety

I can feel it happening again.
sweaty chills [ check ]
heart starting to race [ check ]
gasping for breath [check]
------------------------------------

I'm not okay.



but I will be.

checking in

The blogger app is sucking and when I make a post it deletes it :(

Lesson learned. Starting I need to either commit to only posting via computer or I need to upgrade to a WordPress blog or something of the like.

I've been job hunting. Its proved to be unsuccessful so far. I guess no one wants a middle aged stay at home mom of 10 years. Ugh.

I'm going to keep looking but I need to sit down and really brainstorm streams of income instead of just one part or fulltime job perhaps.

They say the average millionaire has 8 streams of income. I'm not trying to become a millionaire, but I'm not trying to not be one either.  For now, I need to help supplement Doug's income, reduce some stress in our lives financially. Emotionally I think a job would be excellent for me too.

Hoping for some good news soon.

I've been playing a new MMO in free time. It helps to distract me from things I need to be distracted from and I'm enjoying it.

Fifty Three.

Fifty three posts. It hasn't been at a consistency that I would love, but it's something. It's more than I've done before.

It feels good to be at it.

I want to get in the habit of blogging on this personal blog, in the hopes that I could sometime in the near future launch a professional blog as passive income. I have some ideas!

So writing goals for 2019:

1. Self publish poetry /another writing book.
2. Launch a moneymaking blog. My goal for 2019 isn't for it to be an income sustaining endeavor, but to be in the positive.


Got any tips for passion income blogging? I know typically the way to make money is 1. ads. 2. offering a product or service. 3. affiliate/showcasing someone elses product.


Ashlee

This is an excerpt from my FB page March 2, 2018:

I’m ‘unbecoming’.  Let me explain this aha moment with you.  In my life I feel like I’ve invested a lot of time in becoming this or that.  Becoming a better mother and wife, student and teacher, friend and partner.  I’ve had years worth of  layers that I have armored myself with in an effort to ‘become’.   

Have you ever started on a project with a clear intention in mind and keep adding to it  in an effort to achieve what you are aiming for, only to eventually have a result completely different then you expected?  I think we do that to ourselves too.  

It’s so easy in today’s world of sharing our highlight reel on social media, to pack on the layers of ‘becoming’ so much so that we lose touch with who we are at our core. We forget (or are afraid/ashamed/nervous) to share ourselves in raw, beautiful, imperfect form. Because the world tells us to be perfect or at least appear that way.  

I know that I’ve fallen into that trap myself.  I have spent so much time focusing on what I need to become, what my shortcomings are — that I have failed to appreciate the most beautiful journey I’m on. I have failed to appreciate the beautiful, smart, caring, and special person I am — fully exposed and stripped from all layers.  I’ve forgotten to celebrate the struggles AND the victories.  

I’ve forgotten that my worth is not determined by person, title, or label.  It can be so easy for me to love others and know fully that Jesus died for THEM because HE finds them worthy,  and completely disconnect from the fact that He found me worthy too.  So I’m determined to ‘unbecome’. 

To shed the layers and stand firm in who I am — raw.  I am determined to dig into the deepest darkest part of me — and love that part.  Because I know that I know that I know  that Jesus died FOR that part of me, NOT DESPITE IT.  

So this is me — ‘unbecoming’ every standard, expectation, label, and layer that doesn’t serve me in being authentic and vulnerable.

I forgot. I forgot about unbecoming and the promise I made to myself. I forgot about shedding layers and returning to a raw true form. I forgot about how I was going to stop the highlight reel and share the 'in the thick of it all' stuff.

be·come

/bəˈkəm/

verb

1. 1.

   begin to be.

   "it is becoming clear that we are in a totally new situation"
2. 2.

   (of clothing) look good on or suit (someone).

   "the dress becomes her"

   synonyms:

   suit, flatter, look good on, look right on;  set off, show to advantage, enhance, go well with;  embellish, ornament, grace;  informaldo something for "the dress becomes her"

"Begin to be". Wow. I don't need to suddenly begin to be anything. I don't need to begin to be beautiful. I am so. I don't need to begin to have value. My value is immeasurable.

It's almost funny --- how often I've begun things in my life. I set my mind to begin to do _____, become ______, start this or that. Instead of investing all that time and mental (and emotional!) energy into beginning a new thing --- why have I failed to acknowledge the option of being. Being what and where I am. Sustaining WHO I am.

Sustaining who I am.

Sustaining who I am.

My brain just exploded while I wrote that. I have never once in my life (i don't think) attempted to sustain who I am.  It's always been a matter of having to be different. Usually better. Never ever enough.

What would happen if I didn't put my emphasis on being more than, and instead focused on accepting what is? Would the universe explode? I suspect it might.

"flatter...look good on...look right on....show to advantage...enhance...embellish....ornament...." Becoming is a verb of change. Upgrade. Even if it's not real. Even if it's simply an illusion. Becoming acts as a way to be more.

Is it possible, that I don't have to be more?


Just some thoughts. I'm grateful to have the universe remind me of this thought I had just over a year ago. I needed the reminder. I need it front and center in my thoughts.

Journal Prompt: 3/19/2019 

1. List your biggest insecurity that currently plagues you the most.

Easily my biggest insecurity is being "beautife oul". It sounds so shallow -- let me expound. 

I have physical insecurities of my body. My weight, the way my eyebrows are so light, my crooked smile, my lack of hips. 

I have other "being beautiful" insecurities too -- like am I a good enough person, are my thoughts valuable, do I choose selfishness over selflessness. 

Beauty isn't just skin deep like we are told. 

2. How long has this insecurity been with you? Can you remember when it started?

I don't remember being insecure as a child until I became 1 in 5 children who were molested. My attacker told me that if I told anyone, especially my dad, he would hate me --- because what I just did with him was disgusting and made me disgusting. 

From that moment on -- I believe insecurity swept in. No --- rushed in.  Interestingly initially it was always more about an inward insecurity than physical ones.  I began to lack confidence in my thoughts and feelings. I began to feel like a "disgusting person" which is pretty far from beautiful. I began to believe that love from others was contingent on my actions. If my dad knew I had done that -- in that rusty cold red shed --- then he wouldn't love me. Couldn't love me.  

If yes what happened?

The one thought of no longer being worthy of love transcended to guarding my every thought, action to the the dark. Because i didn't know what things were lovable and not lovable and I wanted to be in control. I learned what people wanted to hear, see. I changed and altered myself in every situation to fit into the mold the other liked of me the most. 

Eventually --- I forgot what I really was like. This is what I'm working on now. 

3. How does this insecurity negatively affect your daily life?

I physically doubt myself daily. I wonder why my husband or friends call me beautiful. I look in the mirror without makeup and see a hagrid old red head. I don't see beauty. With a full face of makeup I feel my best -- but still when complimented my brain often goes to a place of assuming they are jus being nice or couldnt think of anything else to say. 

I was set to have weight loss surgery one week from today and because of a change in circumstances it had to be pushed back and it was devestating to me. I hate the shape of my body. I know that's not cool to say. I should be all yay #bodypositive. I know that should be my reality --- but it isn't. 

Being an inwardly beautiful person is also a struggle i have daily. I wonder if i'm doing enough. If  im too judgemental. Why i do things to hurt others. WHy I do things to hurt myself. 

4. How is this insecurity stopping you achieve your life’s dreams?

How long do you have? 

There have been opportunities that being overweight have barred me from. Feeling good in my skin is probably the number one though. Feeling confident in my body. I love clothes and fashion --- and i really limit myself unneccessarily because I tell myself "oh you can't wear that"

Inwardly, I have given up on so many dreams because I feel like i'm not good enough.  Too shy, n ot smart enough, not driven enough, not ____. you fill in the blank.

5. How would you feel if you didn’t have to worry about this?

I think physically it would be VERY freeing to love my body. To walk around naked at home without  that insecurity. Buying clothes that make me feel beautiful not just covered up. 

If i didn't second guess every thought in my head? wow. how much further I would be in life. 

6. What would your dream life look like without this insecurity?

With out the insecurity --- my dream like would be me feeling good about myself. I would be rocking some bohemian looks, Id be sharing myself and dreams and thoughts with the world confidently. 

7. Now we’re going big. What does your dream life look like if your resources were unlimited? I'd have a farm. Harvest Moon Farm. Cut off jeans and cowboy boots. Strong muscular legs. The latest concert tshirt on. 

Working as a special needs photographer on the farm. Bringing families in and offering them day long photo sessions on scholarship. Offering equine therapy.  A full service experience for spectrum kiddos and those they love. 

I'd be content with what I have and who I am. Married. My babies. a life worth loving. 

8. Write at least three things that you love about yourself. If you’re struggling read our other post . Hey you didn't warn me i'd have to speak positive about myself!

1. I love how much I love my babies.

2. I love my hair.

3. I love my compassion for those less fortunate. 

9. Write your insecurities opposite. This will become your personal mantra. 

I am ugly. I am a beautiful person inside and out.

I am fat. My body is strong and beautiful exactly where it is at. 

I am not a good person. I am a wonderful person who puts others needs and desires as a priority.

10. What is one thing you can do this week that scares you that will move you closer to your dreams? Start small everything happens one step at a time.

I intend to write out some mantras, or positive thoughts about myself on index cards and place them around the house. <3 Have something positive to say about me? Leave it in the comments below! <3 

Day 1

No promises of keeping a daily thing. This is for me. Time to get my head on straight.

Let's try a real takeover. What Ashlee is actually like. Fuck the facade.

Typically with these kinds of things you have to start at the beginning. You have to fill your audience into where you are starting. It can be super awkward. This isn’t that.

I am writing for myself, because of a million reasons. But, still... knowing that I will make the decision to share this with a few of my people.. I want to lay down some groundwork.



1. If you are reading this, you probably think you know me. Maybe over the years, maybe since birth, either way... I’m a chameleon. I can fit in to any group of people. I can scan and read and know how to blend. I like blending in. I can go from environment to environment without upsetting the balance. I know how to make you like me, I know when to be quiet and when to speak up. So I want you to know, that as you read and perhaps think I am a stranger -- know this: I’m a stranger to me too. That’s what blending in, not rocking the boat, and submitting to anything that doesn’t draw attention to yourself does. You get so caught up in figuring out what kind of eggs your partner likes to eat, that you forget what your true preference was. (For me, it’s over easy with crispy whites)

2.  I'm going to share a lot of not pretty things here. Fuck pretty. I don't need the pretty that I have been so guilty of seeking. I need raw beauty. I need to learn what my truth is and to be okay to walk into it.  My life has been filled with a lot of love, but there is darkness too. I am going through some tough shit right now on multiple levels and what I want more then anything is to find my peace, even if that requires me to let the waves of pain wash over me. “I wrote you those nice poems only because the honest ones would frighten you” - Jewel Kilcher… that is how I feel about my life. That for the last 36 years, I’ve been so focused on outwardly being the nice poem. Sure there are parts of me that are that, but there is so much storyline under the surface that I am terrified to share. The honest stories may frighten you -- they do me.  More on this to come. I have a lot to say.

3. I have a bookshelf of journals. It’s always a great go to gift for me because I write in them. I rarely finish them.. In fact they rarely get half finished. (Which, you should know, is a running theme in my life) In them are thoughts, poems, letters I never intended to send.  I’ve written stories and songs and poems and to do lists in them. So why another on, and why online. What is the purpose? What is the goal? I’m not sure why here and now. Maybe because I need something fresh… because the life I had in each of those journals isn’t the one I have no. Maybe because I find it easier, when it comes to thoughts, to type them out. When i’m writing poems, or quotes or songs I like to physically write. But in sharing my thoughts, typing feels right.

4. I need help. I need help in the way that a child can’t reach the cup on the counter, in the way that an addict needs a fix. I need help like i’m dyslexic and all the letters are jumbled. I need help deciphering the codes of my brain and my heart. And because I’m a sucker for a good puzzle, I’ve created a super-encrypted, ten million piece puzzle over the last 36 years. Well, that doesn’t seem overwhelming at all.

So that’s the plan. Rescue the girl, save the world and all the other bullshit in between.

Cheers.