There is no place for me here.

I feel things shifting and moving and weaving in and out.

I feel myself growing, and deciding, and working.

transformational.

I find myself asking permission much less and moving toward what feels right more.


I don't need to have my A-Z planned out before I start.

I only need motion.

I want to remember this.

I made this post on FB today, and I want to remember it, and what I was feeling.

I searched for a good quote to post how I feel for a bit. But the truth is, I'm tired of summarizing myself on someone else's words, opinions, or thoughts of me.

I don't believe I owe the world transparency, but there are moments when I wish to gift it. And today? Today I yearn to be transparent and free.

Things have been difficult in life for me over the last 2 years.

I have a hard time even with those close to me opening up. I'm learning through therapy how much of this can trace back to experiences as a kid -- but none the less I struggle to reveal myself fully.

I also struggle to fill my cup. I truly don't mean this in a boastful way, but if you know me... You know that I'd likely give you the shirt off my back -- even in a snow storm if it meant I could help you be warm, comfortable or taken care of. I have a heart that loves deeply. It's flawed through, because I filter out that same love and respect from myself.

I don't say no. No is never a complete sentence.
If I have to say no it's accompanied by an explanation and deeply seeded guilt. I need to say no more. Without explanation. Definitely without guilt.

I have clinical #depression and #anxiety. I'm not just a little sad. I am strongly medicated. I have an auto immune disorder that robs me of energy. I am a special needs parent which means my biggest fear is not being okay because I always have to be okay for Liam. Nothing terrifies me more than the idea of not being there to take care of him.

Over the last two years I made some choices that hurt myself and others. I made some that hurt myself too. I won't ever be the same person I was when anxiety and depression entered my life -- but I can still be a valuable worthy person of love and respect and forgiveness.

To anyone who may have been hurt in my cross fire I apologize. I hope you know in deep parts of me I would never want to cause anyone pain.

I'm practicing self care.
I'm learning that I can do hard things.
I can do hard things!
And when the noise gets too loud? I'm learning to say "shhhh".
Love you guys ♥️ I'm trying my best to know God has me covered and I don't need to live as a slave to my past ♥️

Bukowski knows best. (ish)

Maybe Bukowski is right.

Maybe I shouldn't be a writer -- because I spend too much time staring at a blank screen.


It's not really a lack of knowing what to say. I have lots of things floating around my brain at any given time. I'm the queen of maintaining twelve conversations in my head at once. Unfortunately, I often forget to let the other party know I'm conversing with them lol.

It can go a lot like this....

Person: Hey ash .......blah blah blah blah (whatever they say -- not actual blahs)

Me: *carries out an entire response to Person's statement in my head.

Person: *blank stares* uhhh Ash?


That is my real life.

I made a meditation space in the new house. it's not done yet, but a good start. My friend said it looked like an IKEA catalog. (I promptly informed them it was the nicest thing they had ever said to me. )

I've used it. But I haven't made myself a promise.

I know that sounds like a weird thing to say. But i've broken many promises to myself. The next one I make? I will keep.

I intend to promise myself to utilize this space daily. To create space in my life FOR this space.


anyways. that's all.

When the last box is unpacked.

How will I feel?

Life is crazy right now. I'm running on fumes and energy drinks.

Can't believe I said that -- but if you only knew me, you would SURELY repremand me.

I'm not about that energy drink life... didn't we learn in the 2000's that they cause heart attacks and poor judgment? lol

I don't know. all I know is that I and my mountain dew amp are getting along swimmingly.

that is how tired I am you guys.

I spend my days unpacking, pretend to be watching ana and else on youtube for the 17.4 billionth time (Thanks, Charley), working during the day, and working at night. I haven't really been eating dinner. At least not one worthy to mention.

But each day I'm more an more aware that the distractions will minimize and the work will begin.

The work has begun, but you know what I mean.

If your mind's as cluttered as your kitchen sink
If your heart's as empty as your diesel tank
If all your white t-shirts have stains
If you've got some guts and got some ink, well then
We should be friends

I haven't even had the chance to sit down and really come up with a plan. What am I doing? How am I working on me? My marriage? My kids.

I'm overwhelmed.

I don't like that word so much. It's much too simple.

I'm overweighed
overburdened
over scared. 

I was thinking about the other day that song by Sheryl Crow: Strong Enough

God I feel like hell tonight
The tears of rage I cannot lie
I'd be the last to help you understand

Are you strong enough to be my man
My man

Nothing's true, and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
'Cause you can't change the way I am

Are you strong enough to be my man

Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
Just try and love me if you can

Are you strong enough to be my man

I got thinking about it -- but reversed.
Am I strong enough to be ME?

Am I strong enough to be humble? Am I strong enough to be not-humble.

Am I strong enough to say what I mean and mean what I say?

Am I me enough? To be me enough?

I don't know what I want.  Not for breakfast, not for life.


I'm a mess. a literal mess.

Send help. 

Samson came to my bed, told me that my hair was red)

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of Wonder Bread
And went right back to bed
And the history books forgot about us
And the Bible didn't mention us
And the Bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful
And came into my bed
Oh, I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
And he told me that I'd done alright
And kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light
And he kissed me 'til the mornin' light

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of Wonder Bread
And went right back to bed
Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down
Yeah, we couldn't destroy a single one
And the history books forgot about us
And the Bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first

Source: LyricFind

My writing Process

1. Get assignment/idea
2. Waste a shit ton of time doing nothing.
3. Get panicked and stressed out about deadline
4. Hunker down and write the thing KNOWING it's awful.
5. Turn in and being sure you will be ridiculed AND fired.
6. Get praise.. breathe...
7. Feel like you are the shit and you are like a legit writer.
8. Get new assignment
9. Know you are the world's worst and are totally, definitely, without doubt, fuck this one up.